Be the tree.

Working on your own sh*& is important. We know that. Otherwise we wouldn’t be writing this blog. But sometimes the navel gazing required to attain deep self-knowledge can flip into narcissism if you’re not careful. One test that I use often to make sure I’m not falling prey to complete self-absorption is the “Be the Tree” test.

It’s a useful metaphor for me. The tree is strong. It is rooted deep in the earth. It is nourished by the dirt, the air, the sun. And it strong enough to support the needs of others who might need to take shelter beneath its branches for a while.

Sometimes instead of worrying about how I’m going to get around my own Inner Critic, I need to help my loved ones with theirs. I need to be the strong, rooted tree for them. And just the act of reaching out in kindness to another human being is a huge S.M.A.C.K.

What you see is what you get.

Visualizing and manifesting work for a lot of people, but they always seem to backfire for me, so this is not a post about that. It’s about the power of deciding. I’m especially learning this smackdown through dating, but I think it applies to much of life.

“There are other fish in the sea” can be one of the most irritating attempts at comfort ever. Until you accept that it’s actually true. I think my Inner Critic loves it when I resist that wisdom because it means that I get to fall into obsessive, gripping behavior, which is the Inner Critic’s favorite M.O.

Accepting that there is way more than one fabulous guy out there leads me to be soft and flexible and wiggly and playful. And over and over again, every time I decide that yes, there are other fish out there… I start to see them. Literally see them all as I move through my day. It’s kind of like a genie blinking and the wish coming true. There are so many, they all look and behave so differently; it’s luxury! It’s playtime!

Try this with career opportunities, with fun things to do, with new ways to relate to the people around you, with ways to newly appreciate and enjoy your routines, with ways to save money that don’t feel constricting… whatever you’re feeling poor about.

Just decide the opportunities are out there, recognize that they might look slightly different than you thought they would, and head out to see them! Suddenly you’ll find that your real problem is not that you don’t have options, but that you aren’t sure how to narrow them down…

Broaden Your Focus

Do you ever go through stretches of time when you are working so hard, running so fast – while you take care of other people, do your job, manage the household, raise  kids – that you don’t even look up at your surroundings? Instead, you rush around, staring at the ground, ignoring the gorgeous blue sky, not hearing the birds, or missing the sparkle of new snow. Then months slip by so fast you hardly know what you’ve done or where the time has gone. Smack down inattention by expanding your view. Every day this week, notice if you are staring at the ground. If you are, look up!

Share the stage.

The Inner Critic is all about drive, drive, drive, do more, be better, try harder, you don’t have a second to rest, you have so much to do to earn your place in this world!

Today, sit back and let someone else shine. You don’t have to be “on” every day.

When changing yourself goes too far.

So lately, as far as dating goes, my Inner Critic has been looooooooosing! I feel like some kind of tide is turning, because I’ve got a whole new bag of tactics to use against my Inner Island. Nobody is an island! Nobody wants to be an island, either! Except of course, the Inner Critic, who wants to be a little dictator.

One of my tactics is an awareness of a mindset. My friend Elin described it like this:

If a man looks at a woman and thinks “You suck!” … he slaps her.

If a woman looks at a man and thinks “You suck!”… she slaps herself.

Slapping is a terrible exaggeration, of course, and sometimes it’s the man slapping himself and the woman slapping the guy.

What I mean is that there are people who, when faced with something they don’t like, will actively change the situation. If they are dating somebody they’re not crazy about, they’ll stop calling, stop hanging out, and stop dating. They’ll move on.

But there are other people who, when faced with something they don’t like, will try to change themselves. “Oh, this isn’t going well, I must be doing something wrong.” “I liked him a week ago, it will confuse him if I change my mind, so I’ll just stick with it.” “I can’t say no, it will hurt his feelings.” Or, most insidious of all, “Wow, this sucks. But I’m probably just being judgmental and uptight, so I’ll pretend this doesn’t suck until he starts to behave better and then it won’t suck anymore.”

So first and foremost, be aware of whether you tend to fall in the second category, because that is major Inner Critic territory. Imagine if you were in the first category… if you didn’t waste time in situations you really didn’t like…

When All You Can Do is Do

I recently returned from a yoga retreat in Mexico. Beach. Sand. Sun. Yoga twice a day. Meditation. It was fantastic and perfectly timed because I hadn’t been able to meditate in a long time. In the past year every time I’ve sat down to quiet my mind, instead of entering a place of peace, I have dropped into an exhausted sleep. (Blame the infant in my house.) But that is not my only problem with meditating. The other trouble I have with it is that my monkey mind chatters constantly. I’m a writer for God’s sake, and so my imagination fires up immediately when I try to not think. The Inner Critic in all its forms comes to visit and chit chat for a while.

It occurred to me yesterday that I have finally stumbled upon an upside to fear. It’s really a form of meditation because it can quiet the mind! My daughter’s health has been challenged recently and I’ve been so scared for her that my mind simply can’t handle it. It shuts down! The Inner Critic goes absolutely quiet! And then I rely on my body to just Do. I comfort her. I bathe her. I give her medicine. I rub her back.  

Like so many people I have lost nearly everything I saved for retirement, but hey! The mind can’t even comprehend the loss and so all I can do is go to work to build it back up. The Inner Critic is totally silent. For once. Perhaps because there’s nothing to say. All I can do now is Do.

See?! I have finally conquered the art of meditation. Instead of sitting on my mat struggling to let the thoughts go, I need to quietly, simply, Do.

What has you running scared right now? What can you Do as a form of moving meditation?

Locate your emergency exit.

Identify one thing you can do that is guaranteed to make you glad you’re alive.

You may not be able to afford this escape hatch very often; but if you hit your worst-case scenario, when you feel like the Inner Critic is going to win permanently, you’ll know exactly what to do. 

For me, it’s dinner at Blue Hill at Stone Barns, where the minimum price is $150. For Jacque, it’s a weekend trip to a city she’s never visited before, staying at a cool hotel or B&B…

Inspiration from others.

“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark burn out in a brilliant blaze than it be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.” – Jack London

Unwinding Time Management

Oh that mythical hour to do *nothing* in. (Not the hour you work with your passion; the hour when you don’t work at all.) How many times have you tried to review your days and slice out an hour to meditate or have a cup of tea and just relax? How many times have you failed to carve out that hour, and then the Inner Critic chastises you for not being able to be good to yourself?

For me, my happiest, most buoyant days aren’t the ones where I got a whole hour to be unproductive. They’re the ones when I took a lot of very tiny breaks, scattered through the day, but on each break I really let go completely. Ten minutes on the subway, three minutes during one of my favorite songs in a cafe, five minutes waiting for a friend to arrive at the restaurant, two minutes in bed before sacking out.

Try it today. Instead of making an hour your goal, make five short breaks your goal instead and see how you feel at the end of the day.

Wear comfortable shoes.

A dear friend of mine is a gifted reflexology practitioner. Recently she worked on my feet and it was by turns wonderful and excruciatingly painful. She said the painful areas were the places in my body where I was storing stuck emotions: anger, fear, betrayal. She reminded me that our feet are our foundation. They keep us connected to the earth. We require them to carry our weight day after day. It’s really crucial that we take care of them in return.

Buy comfortable shoes, schedule a pedicure or a foot massage. And avoid wearing shoes that distort your body and produce needless pain.