If you’re struggling with something, you can be damn sure that other people have wrestled with the same demons you are, they’re just not talking about it. For whatever reason you’re not sharing your insecurities, baby blues, fear of failure, or shame about something, consider breaking your code of silence. Tell a friend, call your mom, or write a song about it like this guy:
What mundane tasks do you do every day that you could actually do standing up? Try it, and feel your spine stretch and your brain relax…
So goes a commercial for Halls. I love how the big guy saying that line then proceeds to whack his friend on the back. You can’t breathe during a thud like that! At least, you can’t inhale…
Many, many of us have spent a lot of time working on The Breath. It’s kind of an ongoing process (hopefully). I think most of us associate the benefits of conscious breathing with the inhale, since that feels more dramatically active than the exhale. And the hit of oxygen embodies the metaphor of drawing in newness: a new moment, a new perspective, and a fresh start.
But Andrea Gerasimo, yogi extraordinaire, reminded me that the exhale is every bit as important as the inhale. If you don’t make enough space for the new, you get less newness and retain more of the old Inner Critic crap you’re trying to get rid of.
Next time you’re feeling stressed, focus on your exhales more than your inhales. Push each stale breath out to the last, and wait until you really need to inhale again before you do. Make yourself completely empty before you fill on up.
My brother and I were chatting last night about how to handle a situation where planning for your future conflicts with your enjoyment of the Now. In other words, when you can sit outside with a glass of lemonade and a good book for three hours, but you also need to start creating a contact list of people you’d like to informational interview in preparation for your next job search… how do you relax without feeling guilty?
Balance within yourself can happen in the present moment, but balance in your life takes a span of time. So as long as your week contains both the work and the relaxing, that’s balance. That’s fair. Think about your week ahead; do you have time planned for all sides of your life?
Then you don’t have to feel guilty through the especially pleasant parts. 
While researching for a project on anger, I recently acquired a rage doll from a woman who teaches classes on how to work with rage in a healthy way. It’s made of leather and stuffed so it makes a hugely satisfying sound when you smack it against things. I tried it yesterday and even though a part of me felt like an idiot, I found the process of yelling and banging this doll against the wall extremely liberating. I felt a huge rush of energy and ended up laughing. I felt like a kid again, free to express whatever emotions I was feeling.
When I brought it home to the kids and told them they could beat the doll if they were mad about something, they took to it with relish and little self-consciousness. Since they were playing a game out in the front yard, there were the usual number of arguments. But this time, punctuating the sound of fights was the dramatic thump! thump! thumping of the anger doll. When they returned from playing, they were smiling and one of them was hugging the doll as though it were her new best friend.
“Can we draw a smile on the anger doll?” one of them asked.
If you’ve denied yourself the freedom to let your anger out, try beating a pillow and screaming or get yourself an anger doll from Cat Thompson of Emotional Technologies. Thanks Cat!
The Inner Critic loves it when you have an idea in your head about how something is “supposed” to be because than it can jump all over you when the reality is different than what you thought it would be. Two friends recently shared that when they were pregnant they thought becoming a mother would be this wonderful experience. They assumed they would know what to do instinctively and instantly. But when they held their newborns in their arms, both of them felt panic. Then they felt guilt that they didn’t measure up to what they thought a new mother was supposed to be. Then they felt depressed and scared that they were not normal and weren’t cut out to be mothers. It wasn’t until they let go of their Hollywood inspired, made-up, unrealistic notions about motherhood that they could allow themselves to become the mothers they were meant to be.
Any time you expect life to look more like a movie–complete with makeup artists, stylists, air-brushing, and perfect lighting–than the messy, gritty, lovely reality it is, you’re in for trouble. Call off the Inner Critic by thanking your lucky stars that your face gets all red when you cry, you jump to conclusions sometimes, you have meltdowns, fights, and make-ups. That’s where the real juice is.
One sure way to ward off the Inner Critic is to protect your calendar as though it were the crown jewels and you the royal guard. If there are an abundance of items on your calendar that you don’t want to do but feel you have to, see if you can start reversing that trend by taking off one thing you hate and adding one you love. By protecting your calendar, you are showing your Inner Critic that you are protecting yourself.
Pop quiz: How do you tell the difference between laziness and genuine, healthy, heartfelt resistance to the Inner Critic?
Jealousy. If you don’t feel like, for example, working on your vocal exercises but you’re still jealous of all the people who have, and thereby progressed to success… hey presto, yer being lazy.
(but to get out of it, use the carrot, not the stick!)
A certain amount of competition can be a healthy motivator. A sense of competition that is edging into jealousy and bile, towards another person or towards yourself, courtesy of the Inner Critic… well, there’s gotta be a better way to figure out what your standards for yourself are.
Today, lose a battle, on purpose. See if, afterwards, you actually feel like you lost something, or if you feel oddly relieved….
an ass out of you and me.
One of the biggest problems I’ve encountered in dating, and witnessed other people encounter, is the race to assumption. One person (usually but not always the woman) assumes that there’s Something There before the other person does. The one with the assumption starts acting on that assumption, until one day the expectation isn’t met and the assumption is proved false.
Incoming, incoming! The Inner Critic is going to savage everybody involved, and guess who’s going to get the brunt of it. Assuming is a way of pretending that you have control in a situation where you don’t. But that other person doesn’t want to feel controlled, right?
If you’re the type to assume first (like me), try going the other route. Assume nothing. Or, if that seems impossible, assume that This (Whatever It Is) is gonna end. That will force you to live in the present moment, appreciate the other person for all that they are *and* that they aren’t, and ease up on yourself and everybody else. I personally am swearing not to assume anything about anyone until we’ve been dating at *least* four months.
As for how to do this, every time you start thinking Couple, just correct your thoughts. “We’re not a couple, we’re just having a good time.” That’s the easy part. The hard part is correcting your thoughts every time… but you can do it. (This approach does feel better than the old assumptions approach, I hafta tell ya… because the truth is, you don’t want to feel controlled any more than that other person does.)
