Fantasy vs. reality.

There’s a difference between fantasizing about something that will mostly likely not come true and visioning something that you want to create in your life that will likely come true. For instance when I fantasize about winning the lottery and having instance access to $100 million I know I’m off in fantasy land. When I had 100 pounds to lose, I fantasized about waking up the next morning with all the weight miraculously gone. Obviously it’s highly unlikely that either of these things are really going to happen.

But when I meditate around something I really want to have or do and can begin to see myself in a particular life, career, house, relationship, etc., then I begin to believe it could really happen and start doing things to make that vision come true. I work on projects that will bring in the money I need. I make healthier choices and lose weight slowly but surely. Eventually I create the life I visioned.

How about you? What are the differences between your fantasy land and your reality? And what things that you dream about do you really want to manifest in your life?

When your strict diet needs a little loosening…

My resistance to my food no-no (gluten) has been way, way down lately. I know I’ll get back on the wagon soon, but for this week at least, I’m too stressed with moving out of my apartment to be noble and careful and efficient when it comes to eating. I just need to eat and not freak out, about anything.

The Inner Critic would very much like to provide a freak-out and kick my butt every time I have a cookie, but I came up with a bargain during this temporary chaos:

I can have another cookie if I drink an entire glass of water first.

It’s working!

Perform in public.

The Inner Critic’s Inner Pocket

Nothing like voice lessons, or any activity that involves intensive body awareness, to make you aware of old Inner Critic tactics you never noticed before…

I’ve always had plenty of jaw tension, and I knew that would be one of the biggest obstacles to overcome for a great voice. Over the past few weeks I’ve been consciously walking around with my jaw dropped and back (as opposed to just slack, although I still kinda feel like a village idiot) to practice relaxing it.

And I discovered that for some reason, it’s hard for me to feel happy with my mouth open. When I’m blissed out, the drawbridge is up. And as soon as I drop the drawbridge, the first hundred thoughts that occur to me are all complaints and fears and griefs. Clearly my Inner Critic has been hiding poison in my jaw, to be released slowly into my bloodstream and soul at a slow and devastating pace.

As usual, what works is to acknowledge whatever moaning and whinging my Inner Critic feels like doing, but to keep my jaw loose so that as I get bored with the Critic and start to bliss out again, I’m practicing happiness with a loose jaw.

Give it a try: practice being blissed out with your mouth open and see if you have the same problem….

Stage a brainstorming session.

In the advertising and marketing agency where I used to work, we planned big brainstorming meetings with the entire creative team when we had a new project. We ordered in pizza and scattered toys all over the table. We had a giant pad of paper to capture our ideas and markers in all different colors. We always came up with better ideas when we worked this way. It was fun and we had the benefit of the collective wisdom of the group. I’ve recently been thinking that I need to call a brainstorming meeting about my life so I can collect creative ideas from my friends about how to think out of the box about other challenges: where to take my career next, how to find someone to watch my kid while I write, etc.

What would you call a creative brainstorming meeting for?

If you don’t have something nice to say…

Last night I gave one of the adolescent girls in my house a talking to after she boldly sassed me as only an 11 year old can do in that tone. You know the one I mean. The whatevertone. To complicate matters, I am her stepmother, not her mother and her father was not present at the time of the sassing. I’ve known this girl since she was five and have watched her enter this new developmental stage with trepidation knowing that with her strong personality she would be challenging. I had a decision to make. Would I allow her to get away with her behavior because I am only the stepmom or would I stand up for myself as an adult who deserves respect?

I marched her inside. “I know you’re at the age where you think adults don’t know anything and that’s just fine, but I will not tolerate disrespectful and rude behavior in this house.”

Later in the evening we became friends again for the time being. This scenario reminded me of the battle with the Inner Critic. Sometimes it needs a good talking to. Sometimes you have to explain that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior. Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.

I’m gonna hafta separate you two…

My Inner Critic has stayed away from my voice lessons… until yesterday. I just wasn’t getting what my teachers were guiding me to, until finally I stamped my feet in frustration and yelled ARRRR!!

James immediately said, “Don’t punish your voice!”

He was so right. The way I yelled (jaw clenched, head thrust forward) was completely wrong in technique and potentially damaging.

It occurred to me that General Zod does this a lot: any time I’m frustrated, it attacks using the very thing I’m working on. Do you recognize this pattern?

I figure, express your frustration any way you want, as long as it has nothing to do with what you’re frustrated about. Next time I’m going to stamp my feet mutely.

Extend yourself to others.

Invite someone to your house for dinner whom you’ve never invited before. Ask an acquaintance if they need help. Bring food to a neighbor. Instead of just saying, “We need to have coffee!” to a former work colleague every time you see them, pick up the phone and set a date.

Until we meet again, ego…

Anybody who’s stepped a tender foot on the spiritual path has probably been told, more than once, to let go of your ego. Like that’s so easy. Like that’s even possible, unless you’re a boddhisatva.

But yesterday one of my Tai Chi teachers, Stephe Watson, gave me a new way to think about this impossible task. He talks about the ego as being the guy who pours your foundation when you build a house. When you start a project, you need your mind to set your intent.

Unfortunately, six weeks later when your house is built and you’re installing cabinets, the ego is probably still hanging around, as useless as the guy who poured your foundation who really should be gone by now.

Or worse than useless: annoying and opinionated and critical. As in, the Inner Critic.

When you try to say good-bye to your ego at the proper time (when you’re trying to move from mind/intent to body/hands/action), the ego thinks you’re saying good-bye forever, so it feels like you’re abandoning it and that’s why it insists on sticking around. So the next time you say good-bye, assure your ego that you’ll see it again soon, the next time you need to set an intention. You’ll always have a new house to built, somewhere, some way!

Create a work-free day.

Pick one day this week and every week in which you will do absolutely no work. That means, no checking email, no housework, no yard work, no catching up on work for your job. Instead, commit to an entirely free day. See your friends, have 4-hour meals. Read a book. Go for a walk. And most importantly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT allow your Inner Critic to say a word against this day. It won’t help if you create a day to relax and then let your Inner Critic beat you about it the entire time. You’ll end up more stressed than you started. So take your day. Own it. And your kindness to yourself will have lasting effects on the rest of your life. Enjoy! (And thanks to Sarah and Nik for sharing their sacred day with us!)