Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark Teacher

Teachers come in many forms and not all of them are the kind, wise old man or woman who opens up a whole new world of miracles to you. Sometimes the universe sends you the dark teacher. The one who comes at you aggressively or condescendingly or critically. While you’re in the middle of facing a dark teacher, it’s next to impossible to realize that you’re actually receiving a gift, but often these people make our best teachers. He or she is there to test you. Do you really want what you say you want? Just how much are you willing to endure? How hard are you willing to practice? Can you develop a coat of armor so strong that you continue to work for what you want even when the dark teachers show up?

The dark teacher appears in many forms: an actual teacher, a lover, a boss. What dark teachers have you had? What have they taught you?

When it’s time to let self-protection go.

I’ve worked lately on rooting out some belief systems I developed as a child. One of the ideas I took on as a youngster was that I had a “spine of steel” and could live through anything. It served me extremely well in challenging times of my life and I became very proud of my strong steel spine.

Perhaps it won’t come as a shock to the bodyworkers reading this that I have had chronic back pain for a decade. I have seen physical therapists, chiropractors, and personal trainers. I’ve done yoga, had electric shock therapy, and balanced on a ball while I work at my desk–all in an effort to reduce the pain.

Recently I’ve been working with a man who has come at my back pain from the front by working my soaz muscles. At the same time I’ve meditated on this idea of the steel spine. Perhaps having such a heavy form of self-protection weighing me down isn’t the best thing after all.

And guess what? The back pain is going away. For those of you who have chronic pain of any kind I know you’ll understand what a freaking miracle this feels like. It brings tears to my eyes right now to notice that I’m sitting at my desk and my back doesn’t hurt at all.

So my question for you is this: When you were a child, what mechanisms of self-protection did you develop? Do you still need them now or is it time to release them?

Do for yourself what you’d do for others.

Last week I stood up for my three stepchildren fiercely and quickly. A librarian at our local library refused to let me help them get library cards because I am their stepmother and not a legal guardian. She told me this was a library policy in front of all the children. When I  emailed an irate letter to the head of the entire county library system, the director, a stepparent himself, responded with an apology and an outline of the action the library would take. The registration documents for library cards will be reprinted to include stepparent on the parent/guardian line and the library staff will be trained in how to deal with blended families. This experience led to a discussion with my stepchildren about how they didn’t have to be embarrassed to be part of a stepfamily.

The entire experience reminded me of dealing with my own inner critic. Often I am silent in my own defense when my inner critic makes me feel stupid for wanting to go after my dreams of writing fiction full-time. But when my stepchildren were threatened I became a fierce warrior. The next time I hear my inner critic try to make me feel like a loser I’m going to become a warrior and stand up for myself.

Whose responsibility is it?

This morning I put a stack of things on the staircase that needed to be brought upstairs. Towels for the kids’ bathroom. Two books belonging to two different children. A hat belonging to a third. A sweatshirt and socks left downstairs by the fourth. I watched every single person in my family walk by that pile without picking up their own things or volunteering to help carry up someone else’s belongings. So exactly whose responsibility is it?

Are there things that you are stepping over or walking by that really belong to you but you’re expecting someone else to pick them up for you? How can you claim responsibility for your own stuff? Would you consider helping someone else with theirs?

Expect trouble from expectations.

The Inner Critic loves it when you have an idea in your head about how something is “supposed” to be because than it can jump all over you when the reality is different than what you thought it would be. Two friends recently shared that when they were pregnant they thought becoming a mother would be this wonderful experience. They assumed they would know what to do instinctively and instantly. But when they held their newborns in their arms, both of them felt panic. Then they felt guilt that they didn’t measure up to what they thought a new mother was supposed to be. Then they felt depressed and scared that they were not normal and weren’t cut out to be mothers. It wasn’t until they let go of their Hollywood inspired, made-up, unrealistic notions about motherhood that they could allow themselves to become the mothers they were meant to be.

Any time you expect life to look more like a movie–complete with makeup artists, stylists, air-brushing, and perfect lighting–than the messy, gritty, lovely reality it is, you’re in for trouble. Call off the Inner Critic by thanking your lucky stars that your face gets all red when you cry, you jump to conclusions sometimes, you have meltdowns, fights, and make-ups. That’s where the real juice is.

Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

Don’t completely control the pendulum.

My friend Mel told me this yesterday:

“I get into this great groove where I’m cooking and eating right and taking care of myself and my family and my house, and all my energy is circulating really well. Then all these great opportunities start showing up and I want to explore them all and have fun, which is fantastic, but all those opportunities take up a lot of time so I stop eating right and taking care of myself and doing everything that prepared me for the opportunities in the first place…”

Another classic cycle!

I think the trick isn’t to try and stop the cycle for some mythical idea of being balanced completely every minute of every day. The trick is to be aware of what’s going on so that you can change direction in the cycle before the movement gets too extreme. Instead of stopping the pendulum, which would be inhumane, you just want to shorten the swings.

I’d add a corollary related to dating: You get into this great groove of sitting back and not working at dating, just relaxing and seeing what happens. Then an amazing guy comes along who’s so much better than the ones you’ve been dealing with, and you actually like him. But then because you like him, you start doing more, working a little harder, putting yourself out there, which rapidly turns into anxiety, and suddenly he isn’t hanging out with you as much as he was.

Again, the trick is, notice the second you start feeling anxious. Shift the pendulum the other way, and go back to being relaxed and effortless… and see what happens!

Rely on the collective wisdom of your elders.

If you have a question about how to do something, do you research it on the web? Read a book about it? Ask your friends? Keep silent and try to wing it? I’ve been interviewing a lot of new mothers lately and I am astounded by the number of women who do not ask their own moms for advice about how to care for an infant. Instead they rely on doctors, WebMD, BabyCenter, What to Expect, and online forums.

When I ask them why they didn’t go to their moms, many reply that too much has changed and their mother simply wouldn’t know the answer. Or they say they don’t want their moms in their business, telling them what to do. What a shame. We are losing out on the collective wisdom of our female elders and the result is that a majority of the new moms I’ve talked to feel isolated, depressed, and scared. The Inner Critic is strong in mothers. Women are afraid of what they don’t know and how they might harm their baby with their inexperience.

The next time you find yourself in a situation in which a little advice would be helpful, ask your elders.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

The Inner Critic is a cyclical beast–when one S.M.A.C.K. isn’t working, chances are an old S.M.A.C.K. from months ago will work just fine. So over the next week or so we’re going to run some of your favorite S.M.A.C.K. blog posts, the ones with the greatest hits and the most comments. Enjoy!

 

Visualization, meditation, imagination, brainstorming, whatever you decide to call this, I hope you’ll try it. If your Inner Critic tells you this kind of thing never works, kick it to the curb for the time being. Below you’ll find a guided meditation you can read to help you create the relationship you desire whether you are currently in a partnership or not. You can read it yourself, ask your spouse to read it to you, or tape yourself reading it out loud. I do have this recorded to music and will post the podcast soon. But in the meantime, basically what I’m asking you to do is close your eyes and imagine what you want. Then you’ll open our eyes and write down ways you can actually get to the vision you saw in your mind’s eye.

Visualization is a technique that’s been written about many times. Napoleon Hill wrote about it in his bookThink and Grow Rich, which was first published in the early 1900s. Shakti Gawain made it popular in her bookCreative Visualization in the 1970s, still a bestseller today. And the latest version of this technique is written about by Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret. Basically, it’s simple. You close your eyes and think about what you desire then you plan how you’re going to get what you want. (Note: If you’ve come to this blog via myBecoming a Stepmom blog, this meditation is different than the one I posted there this week.)

Now, turn off your phones, your blackberries your computers. Shut the door. Grab a notebook and pen and set them somewhere nearby. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will not be disturbed. Make sure your arms and legs are not crossed. Close your eyes. Now breathe deeply into your belly. Take five deep breaths. Relax. Be here now in your body. Feel the floor or chair supporting you. Breathe.

At the top and bottom of each breath, pause for a moment and listen to the stillness, the silence between the ocean swells of your breathing.

Now let’s tap into your imagination. Picture yourself with your life partner. Imagine the two of you in a setting that fills you with joy. It could be your home, a park, on the beach by the ocean, at an intimate table in a romantic restaurant. Right now, in this moment, you understand completely why you’re with this person. Why he or she makes you so happy. You feel the symbiotic relationship you have. The perfect give and take. You are both light with happiness. You are both connected to each other. Love emanates between you. Take a moment, look at your beloved and feel. How does that person make you feel right now? When you’re relationship is at its most supportive, its most loving, its most stimulating. How does your body feel? What is in your heart?

Imagine your partner with a smile on his or her face. How does it make you feel?

There is a reason you chose this person. There is a reason this person chose you. Remember that. Connect with it. Be open to your emotions. Be open to love.

Be open to love.

Be open to love.

This person sitting next to or across from you is another soul who is walking now or will walk beside you during their lifetime. Your partner has his or her own needs, her own desires, his own path, her own soul to answer to. How wonderful! How awe inspiring that this person has chosen to trust. And you have chosen to trust this person.

Breathe.

Be open to love.

In your imagination, thank your beloved for his or her presence in your life. Thank this person for showing up. Thank him for the things he has experienced that have made him perfect for you. Thank her for being.

Be open to love.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, open your eyes and write down what you saw in your visioning session. Write down the things you love about your current partner or that you imagined about your future partner. Write down how you felt.

Part two of this visioning exercise is action. If you are in a partnership right now, spend the week complimenting each other. Pay attention to your spouse and when she does something you like, tell her. Be honest and open with your feelings. If he casually takes your hand in the grocery store and you absolutely love that, tell him. If you come home from work and she’s cleaned up the kitchen, thank her profusely. If he snuggles you before you go to sleep and it makes you feel yummy, warm and safe, tell him.

If you are not currently in a partnership, compliment yourself and your future mate out loud. You might try: “Thank you for waiting to meet me until you’re finished unpacking your emotional baggage!” “Wow, did you see how beautiful I arranged the table this evening? I rock.” It’s easy to forget when you’re waiting for your significant other to show up that he or she may be busy doing something right now that would make your partnership impossible until he or she has completed it. If you’re waiting, refer to the Flatlands post, and keep the faith.