Rely on the collective wisdom of your elders.

If you have a question about how to do something, do you research it on the web? Read a book about it? Ask your friends? Keep silent and try to wing it? I’ve been interviewing a lot of new mothers lately and I am astounded by the number of women who do not ask their own moms for advice about how to care for an infant. Instead they rely on doctors, WebMD, BabyCenter, What to Expect, and online forums.

When I ask them why they didn’t go to their moms, many reply that too much has changed and their mother simply wouldn’t know the answer. Or they say they don’t want their moms in their business, telling them what to do. What a shame. We are losing out on the collective wisdom of our female elders and the result is that a majority of the new moms I’ve talked to feel isolated, depressed, and scared. The Inner Critic is strong in mothers. Women are afraid of what they don’t know and how they might harm their baby with their inexperience.

The next time you find yourself in a situation in which a little advice would be helpful, ask your elders.

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

The Inner Critic is a cyclical beast–when one S.M.A.C.K. isn’t working, chances are an old S.M.A.C.K. from months ago will work just fine. So over the next week or so we’re going to run some of your favorite S.M.A.C.K. blog posts, the ones with the greatest hits and the most comments. Enjoy!

 

Visualization, meditation, imagination, brainstorming, whatever you decide to call this, I hope you’ll try it. If your Inner Critic tells you this kind of thing never works, kick it to the curb for the time being. Below you’ll find a guided meditation you can read to help you create the relationship you desire whether you are currently in a partnership or not. You can read it yourself, ask your spouse to read it to you, or tape yourself reading it out loud. I do have this recorded to music and will post the podcast soon. But in the meantime, basically what I’m asking you to do is close your eyes and imagine what you want. Then you’ll open our eyes and write down ways you can actually get to the vision you saw in your mind’s eye.

Visualization is a technique that’s been written about many times. Napoleon Hill wrote about it in his bookThink and Grow Rich, which was first published in the early 1900s. Shakti Gawain made it popular in her bookCreative Visualization in the 1970s, still a bestseller today. And the latest version of this technique is written about by Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret. Basically, it’s simple. You close your eyes and think about what you desire then you plan how you’re going to get what you want. (Note: If you’ve come to this blog via myBecoming a Stepmom blog, this meditation is different than the one I posted there this week.)

Now, turn off your phones, your blackberries your computers. Shut the door. Grab a notebook and pen and set them somewhere nearby. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will not be disturbed. Make sure your arms and legs are not crossed. Close your eyes. Now breathe deeply into your belly. Take five deep breaths. Relax. Be here now in your body. Feel the floor or chair supporting you. Breathe.

At the top and bottom of each breath, pause for a moment and listen to the stillness, the silence between the ocean swells of your breathing.

Now let’s tap into your imagination. Picture yourself with your life partner. Imagine the two of you in a setting that fills you with joy. It could be your home, a park, on the beach by the ocean, at an intimate table in a romantic restaurant. Right now, in this moment, you understand completely why you’re with this person. Why he or she makes you so happy. You feel the symbiotic relationship you have. The perfect give and take. You are both light with happiness. You are both connected to each other. Love emanates between you. Take a moment, look at your beloved and feel. How does that person make you feel right now? When you’re relationship is at its most supportive, its most loving, its most stimulating. How does your body feel? What is in your heart?

Imagine your partner with a smile on his or her face. How does it make you feel?

There is a reason you chose this person. There is a reason this person chose you. Remember that. Connect with it. Be open to your emotions. Be open to love.

Be open to love.

Be open to love.

This person sitting next to or across from you is another soul who is walking now or will walk beside you during their lifetime. Your partner has his or her own needs, her own desires, his own path, her own soul to answer to. How wonderful! How awe inspiring that this person has chosen to trust. And you have chosen to trust this person.

Breathe.

Be open to love.

In your imagination, thank your beloved for his or her presence in your life. Thank this person for showing up. Thank him for the things he has experienced that have made him perfect for you. Thank her for being.

Be open to love.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, open your eyes and write down what you saw in your visioning session. Write down the things you love about your current partner or that you imagined about your future partner. Write down how you felt.

Part two of this visioning exercise is action. If you are in a partnership right now, spend the week complimenting each other. Pay attention to your spouse and when she does something you like, tell her. Be honest and open with your feelings. If he casually takes your hand in the grocery store and you absolutely love that, tell him. If you come home from work and she’s cleaned up the kitchen, thank her profusely. If he snuggles you before you go to sleep and it makes you feel yummy, warm and safe, tell him.

If you are not currently in a partnership, compliment yourself and your future mate out loud. You might try: “Thank you for waiting to meet me until you’re finished unpacking your emotional baggage!” “Wow, did you see how beautiful I arranged the table this evening? I rock.” It’s easy to forget when you’re waiting for your significant other to show up that he or she may be busy doing something right now that would make your partnership impossible until he or she has completed it. If you’re waiting, refer to the Flatlands post, and keep the faith.

Rely on the collective wisdom of your elders.

If you have a question about how to do something, do you research it on the web? Read a book about it? Ask your friends? Keep silent and try to wing it? I’ve been interviewing a lot of new mothers lately and I am astounded by the number of women who do not ask their own moms for advice about how to care for an infant. Instead they rely on doctors, WebMD, BabyCenter, What to Expect, and online forums.

When I ask them why they didn’t go to their moms, many reply that too much has changed and their mother simply wouldn’t know the answer. Or they say they don’t want their moms in their business, telling them what to do. What a shame. We are losing out on the collective wisdom of our female elders and the result is that a majority of the new moms I’ve talked to feel isolated, depressed, and scared. The Inner Critic is strong in mothers. Women are afraid of what they don’t know and how they might harm their baby with their inexperience.

The next time you find yourself in a situation in which a little advice would be helpful, ask your elders.

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

Visualization, meditation, imagination, brainstorming, whatever you decide to call this, I hope you’ll try it. If your Inner Critic tells you this kind of thing never works, kick it to the curb for the time being. Below you’ll find a guided meditation you can read to help you create the relationship you desire whether you are currently in a partnership or not. You can read it yourself, ask your spouse to read it to you, or tape yourself reading it out loud. I do have this recorded to music and will post the podcast soon. But in the meantime, basically what I’m asking you to do is close your eyes and imagine what you want. Then you’ll open our eyes and write down ways you can actually get to the vision you saw in your mind’s eye.

Visualization is a technique that’s been written about many times. Napoleon Hill wrote about it in his book Think and Grow Rich, which was first published in the early 1900s. Shakti Gawain made it popular in her book Creative Visualization in the 1970s, still a bestseller today. And the latest version of this technique is written about by Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret. Basically, it’s simple. You close your eyes and think about what you desire then you plan how you’re going to get what you want. (Note: If you’ve come to this blog via my Becoming a Stepmom blog, this meditation is different than the one I posted there this week.)

Now, turn off your phones, your blackberries your computers. Shut the door. Grab a notebook and pen and set them somewhere nearby. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will not be disturbed. Make sure your arms and legs are not crossed. Close your eyes. Now breathe deeply into your belly. Take five deep breaths. Relax. Be here now in your body. Feel the floor or chair supporting you. Breathe.

At the top and bottom of each breath, pause for a moment and listen to the stillness, the silence between the ocean swells of your breathing.

Now let’s tap into your imagination. Picture yourself with your life partner. Imagine the two of you in a setting that fills you with joy. It could be your home, a park, on the beach by the ocean, at an intimate table in a romantic restaurant. Right now, in this moment, you understand completely why you’re with this person. Why he or she makes you so happy. You feel the symbiotic relationship you have. The perfect give and take. You are both light with happiness. You are both connected to each other. Love emanates between you. Take a moment, look at your beloved and feel. How does that person make you feel right now? When you’re relationship is at its most supportive, its most loving, its most stimulating. How does your body feel? What is in your heart?

Imagine your partner with a smile on his or her face. How does it make you feel?

There is a reason you chose this person. There is a reason this person chose you. Remember that. Connect with it. Be open to your emotions. Be open to love.

Be open to love.

Be open to love.

This person sitting next to or across from you is another soul who is walking now or will walk beside you during their lifetime. Your partner has his or her own needs, her own desires, his own path, her own soul to answer to. How wonderful! How awe inspiring that this person has chosen to trust. And you have chosen to trust this person.

Breathe.

Be open to love.

In your imagination, thank your beloved for his or her presence in your life. Thank this person for showing up. Thank him for the things he has experienced that have made him perfect for you. Thank her for being.

Be open to love.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, open your eyes and write down what you saw in your visioning session. Write down the things you love about your current partner or that you imagined about your future partner. Write down how you felt.

Part two of this visioning exercise is action. If you are in a partnership right now, spend the week complimenting each other. Pay attention to your spouse and when she does something you like, tell her. Be honest and open with your feelings. If he casually takes your hand in the grocery store and you absolutely love that, tell him. If you come home from work and she’s cleaned up the kitchen, thank her profusely. If he snuggles you before you go to sleep and it makes you feel yummy, warm and safe, tell him.

If you are not currently in a partnership, compliment yourself and your future mate out loud. You might try: “Thank you for waiting to meet me until you’re finished unpacking your emotional baggage!” “Wow, did you see how beautiful I arranged the table this evening? I rock.” It’s easy to forget when you’re waiting for your significant other to show up that he or she may be busy doing something right now that would make your partnership impossible until he or she has completed it. If you’re waiting, refer to the Flatlands post, and keep the faith.

Smackdown Success Story: David Alan Basche

David Alan Basche (www.DavidAlanBasche.com) is starring as Debra Messing’s ex-husband Kenny on the hit TV show The Starter Wife on USA Network, Fridays at 10pm. He is also playing the recurring character of Mike Harness on Lipstick Jungle, and he appeared in the movies United 93 and The War of the Worlds. He is expecting his first child with his wife, Alysia Reiner.

1) When did your Inner Critic first rear its ugly head?
Oh this is a good one, it was at age 6 and it was absolutely horrible. My Father had just died of a sudden, massive heart attack. And I kid you not, a little voice inside my head said “If you had been a better little boy, God would not have had to take your Father.” Oh yes my Inner Critic made quite an entrance, and yes it DID say that. No shit, it really did, the bastard.

2) What’s the worst part of having an Inner Critic, or what’s the worst thing it’s ever said to you?
See above, but even after that, I mean, come on, what HASN’T my inner critic said to me? “You’re so far behind, you’ll never get what you want, it’s too late to reach those levels, too late to make those dreams come true, just give up you piece of shit!” I mean, it will basically stop at nothing to tear me down. And the worst part is that I always think I’m over it. It’s like “Groudhog Day” plays over and over in my subconscious, dammitt! When will my critic be gone? When will I learn how to ignore it perfectly? Um, never…but I keep trying!

3) What have you been able to achieve by smacking down your Inner Critic?
Most importantly, I’ve been able to achieve a life that’s less full of fear, a state of being that’s more present, and an existence that’s freer and lighter and more positive in all ways. And certainly the repeated smackdowns of my Inner Critic have contributed to my career success in a huge way. I deal with a LOT of rejection on a daily basis in my career, and I think learning to smackdown the critic has helped me not take that rejection so personally and therefore made me confident in critical high pressure situations like screen tests, etc.

4) What’s your all-time favorite smackdown?
I say to my inner critic “Excuse me, who the F*&# asked you?” and then try to do a silly little dance while giving my critic the finger. No seriously, I do.

5) What do you do when none of your smackdowns are working?
I Leave… No, really, sometimes just a change of scenery works when nothing else will. A walk on a noisy city street makes it hard to hear my inner critic! And if all else fails, there’s always South Park – watching something insanely funny helps me to not take my self-imposed misery so seriously.

6) Over time, does it get easier to smackdown the Critic? What keeps you motivated?
Practice makes never perfect but certainly easier when it comes to our inner critics. Once you face down an inner critic and win, you always have that victory to recall and feed off for the next battle. Over time it becomes habit to NOT listen to the mean voice in your head!

7) Acting is one of the toughest careers you can have. How do you handle the Outer Critics?
First, never read reviews if you are still working on a piece! In the theatre, even a good review can screw you up onstage the next night. And it’s good to remember the old phrase: “Opinions are like assholes: everybody’s got one.”

Are you scared of raising a kid? If so, how do you smackdown that fear?
Scared? No, I’m TERRIFIED! What responsibility! But I keep telling myself “Just listen to your gut, you’ll be a great Dad, you know you have this in you, you know how to love and nurture and protect and teach, just go with the flow.” Also, bourbon helps a lot.

9) What are your favorite sources of inspiration?
My wife is my single most important inspiration, spiritually and otherwise. Art, books, music, dance, film, really ALL the other arts contribute to my acting inspiration too of course.

10) What advice would you give to someone who was stuck in fear and inaction?
Tell yourself “Get up, get going, DO something!” and then once you start, whatever was scaring you doesn’t seem so bad! The anticipation is worse than the thing itself. I repeat to myself: “Whatever happens, I’ll handle it…”

Turn your fear into a game and you’ll feel like less of an idiot.

Pick a physical thing you can do that will remind you of a person you believe is extremely confident. Then do it. Wear sunglasses inside. Wear an evening gown around the house. Put on a suit so you can step outside of yourself for a little while. It’s silly sometimes, and you don’t ever have to admit your strange antics at a cocktail party, but your Inner Critic is smart. The Heavyweight knows how to undercut you. If you use humor and games to get around it, you’ll find its power over you is reduced.

One of my first assignments as an editorial assistant at a city magazine was to dress up and attend charity events that all the rich and famous people frequented. I had to wander around with a photographer who would snap their pictures while I asked them their names.

As soon as the assignment would fall on my desk I would go home and worry for days about the upcoming event. Even though I’d lost about 70 pounds by then, I was still overweight and for a shy girl who didn’t want to draw attention to herself or her body, it was excruciating to have to walk up to these fancy people and engage them in conversation.

Since Clare and I had vowed to do something we were afraid of every year, I decided I would take an acting class and try out for a play. I’d loved acting in junior high and high school but had quit because in my senior year, while onstage playing Tevya’s wife Golda in Fiddler on the Roof, I heard the boys in the front row making fun of how fat I was. I had not performed since that night.

In the Method acting class I signed up for, I learned to come up with three physical things I could do that would help remind me of the character I was playing. I wondered if that technique might work in my real life. So in the hours before I had to cover yet another ball for the magazine, I decided to create a character: Confident Jacque. I chose three things I thought a confident person would do – shake hands firmly while looking people in the eye, walk with a straight back, and clasp my hands casually in my lap instead of shredding the nearest napkin, menu, or program to bits.

I set out to the ball of the season with a nervous flutter in my stomach and a curiosity to see if my experiment would work. Truth? The first time I did it I felt like an idiot. I mean, come on. I was faking it. I was play-acting like a 5-year-old. Sure, I could shake somebody’s hand and look them in the eye but I was still the kid that didn’t want to be noticed for fear that the attention would turn to hurtful teasing.

But I kept at it. I discovered that when I stopped slouching and walked with a straight back, my head automatically came up and my gaze with it. Because my body appeared to be more engaged and open instead of closed and disinterested, people began to respond to me differently. And with each positive interaction, I gained in confidence. Pretty soon I added another physical act: I looked people in the eye, smiled at them, and said “Hello,” while walking by.

The more I practiced, the more the confident actions began to seem like things I would do. Today, I am Confident Jacque. Even though I sometimes still feel like a complete idiot or too shy to ask for what I need or want. And then I practice again. For instance, this morning I felt too dumb to be writing advice about how to achieve your dreams. I’m only 36 years old. Who the hell is going to want to read anything I have to say? What do I know? So I chose my three things: 1. I painted my nails red because a sassy, confident woman would have written this. 2. I dressed up. I work in my home office and I can take myself and my work more seriously when I’m in a suit than when I’m in my pajamas. 3. I sat up straight in my chair. A confident writer would sit up straight with lots of energy, not slouch at the desk like a college student working on a term paper.

If you’re reading this smackdown, it worked. So what games do you play so you’ll feel like less of an idiot?

A Guiding Principle

At some point, anyone who follows their passion will suspect that, Oh my god, I have wasted the last X years of my life.

I recently had to face the consequences of my decision to work only low-paying jobs for ten years so that I would have the time and energy to work on my fiction. Because of my salary history, I don’t have a lot of savings I can contribute to buying my own apartment, and the amount of money I can safely borrow is limited.

My mom pointed this out to me the other day, and even though she delivered the news gently and I already knew it anyway, I still felt like I’d been sucker punched.

But the next evening, my mom called me to thank me for all the advice I’ve given her about writing. She has been hired by a writer to help excavate memories from the writer for an autobiography, and to take notes, to keep records, to be organized but not in a way that hampers the creative process, and to be a soundboard in general. A few weeks ago, she asked for my advice about this process, and it turns out that not just my mom is grateful for what I contributed, the writer is, too.

In my value system, helping another writer to write is far, far more valuable than having some extra cash lying around. I am doing what I was put on this planet to do, and if I had to make some sacrifices to do that, so be it. The ten years were absolutely worth it.

If you’re feeling conflicted about the trajectory of your life, take a minute and go back to the start. What were you put on this planet to do?

Write it down and tape it up somewhere you will see it every day. It is proof that you are not wandering around blindly. You have a destination, and you’re on your way.