First response: soften.

“Push hands” in Tai Chi serves the same purpose as sparring in other martial arts; it’s a chance for you to apply what you’re learning on your own, in your own solitary body, in practice with other people. But push hands isn’t about speed or force or even about winning. In fact, if any of those three approaches are your first response to your partner’s actions in push hands, your partner will tie you in a knot before you can think.

Most teachers would probably say the first principle of Tai Chi push hands is to root, to feel yourself connecting into and through the ground. That makes it more difficult for the other person to get you off balance.

But my first principle has to be softness. If I’m tight and hard, I’ll forget all about my root, and everything else. So in push hands, as well as the rest of life, I’m starting to make “soften” my first thought, my first action, and my first reaction, in every circumstance. When you soften, you remember what you need, and you remember what you have (which of course is all you need).

Pointing Fingers

I am so, so, so sick of playing the blame game. I’m even sick of blaming the Inner Critic. Recently I figured out, with some help of course, that I’ve been blaming an entire area of my body, treating it like it’s part of A Problem instead of part of my body. That’s like blaming the Mississippi for the mess in New Orleans. But the river didn’t cause Hurricane Katrina, it was just reacting…

In a healthy ecology, cursing the weather is a waste of time, and distracts you from doing what you can. I think from now on, every time I’m tempted to blame, I’m going to ask for help instead.

Liar Detector

One of the worst aspects of the Inner Critic is that it sounds just like you, only a more honest you, a you that cares so much about you it’s willing to tell you what no one else will: the hard truth.

I’m reading The Art of Conversation by Catherine Blyth right now, and at one point she lists non-verbal, vocal, and verbal signs indicating that the person speaking to you might be lying. One of the non-verbal clues is: “Decreased movement, gestures, blinking (the extra load on a liar’s mind stills his body)”

That sounds sooooooo familiar.

Next time you’re having a conversation in your head, check to see whether your body is locking down. If it is, there’s a good chance that you’re in the process of lying to yourself, via the Inner Critic…

Until we meet again, ego…

Anybody who’s stepped a tender foot on the spiritual path has probably been told, more than once, to let go of your ego. Like that’s so easy. Like that’s even possible, unless you’re a boddhisatva.

But yesterday one of my Tai Chi teachers, Stephe Watson, gave me a new way to think about this impossible task. He talks about the ego as being the guy who pours your foundation when you build a house. When you start a project, you need your mind to set your intent.

Unfortunately, six weeks later when your house is built and you’re installing cabinets, the ego is probably still hanging around, as useless as the guy who poured your foundation who really should be gone by now.

Or worse than useless: annoying and opinionated and critical. As in, the Inner Critic.

When you try to say good-bye to your ego at the proper time (when you’re trying to move from mind/intent to body/hands/action), the ego thinks you’re saying good-bye forever, so it feels like you’re abandoning it and that’s why it insists on sticking around. So the next time you say good-bye, assure your ego that you’ll see it again soon, the next time you need to set an intention. You’ll always have a new house to built, somewhere, some way!

“Ignore it and it will go away” may come back to haunt you.

Hey, how’s your old bodinsky doing? Your nearest and dearest, your own flesh and blood, in the most basic sense of those words? Any weird health things show up lately? Odd symptoms? Maybe an old problem you’ve successfully ignored just stood up and demanded attention again?

In times of high stress, we tend to take a pretty tough approach to our bodies. We’ve got way more important things to worry about, so we simply expect our bodies to be there and do what we want them to do. And in a way, our bodies will simply be there for us, because we can’t walk out of them like a house.

This approach leads to things like the phenomenon I witnessed in virtually every person I knew who went to grad school: they all got sick. Really sick. As in, everything from lupus to near hospitalization for respiratory disease. Not only do grad students cut back on basic body care, they heap more and more stress on their weakened conditions – only they forget that it’s physical stress because it feels so mental and emotional.

All of us are facing a highly unusual, probably tough, year. Don’t grit your teeth and stiffen your jaw and assume your body will soldier through. Get the health insurance, whichever way you can. Take stock of what feels bad and where and when. Don’t over-surf the web and turn yourself into a hypochondriac, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that a chronic condition is normal just because it’s there all the time. Get your checkups, all of them. And if you know there’s a problem, but a doctor seems dismissive or defeated, get the second opinion, and third and fourth, until you feel confident that you’re on the right track.

This may be a hassle now, but it could be a crisis later. Smack it down while it’s small.

Smackdown 101

This is our most basic smackdown:

If you’re afraid of something, do it.

Always, every time.

Smackdown 102 is:

When in doubt, do nothing.

Those smackdowns might seem to conflict with each other; but when you feel afraid, that’s a sign not that you’re in doubt, but that deep down, you’ve already made the decision. Your soul knows what it wants to do; the feeling of fear is just your brain and your body freaking out because you’re carving out a new neural pathway.

So over the next day or so, keep an eye out for any moment when you feel afraid, then watch to see if you try to talk yourself out of doing it…

When do you stop pushing?

Yesterday I was talking to publisher and entreprenuer Paula Bisacre about how it sometimes feels like you have to constantly push, push, push to create a life that has meaning. This is a conversation I have had many times over the years with different people: Why can’t my life be easy? Why can’t I be like those people who seem to find happiness so effortlessly? Why can’t I be less complicated? Why does my Inner Critic have to be so critical of me? Why can’t I just have a simple life? Why do I have to work so hard?

While contemplating this idea, I took a break to play with my daughter. She is currently learning how to stand up. I put a box of diapers in front of her. She grabbed the sides and pulled herself up into a stand. Wobbling back and forth, she practiced balancing for a good ten minutes. Then with little grunts that showed just how hard she was working, she pulled one hand off the box and waved it in the air like a bull rider. She was so pleased with herself that she grinned and giggled even as she continued to struggle. “I did it! I did it!” she seemed to be thinking. It brought tears to my eyes watching her work so hard.

But then something happened. She stood up straight, let go of the box with both hands, pushing herself backward as she did so with absolute faith that I would be there to catch her. She was in free fall for a few seconds before her tushy hit my lap. Then she snuggled into my shirt and smiled.

My daughter stopped pushing when she needed a break. It was that simple.

But she can still listen to her body. Her movements are dictated by her energy and she doesn’t know how to ignore what her body needs. When I try to take breaks, my Inner Critic, The Heavyweight (TH), immediately starts yelling at me:

TH: What are you doing?!!! You lazy, son-of-a-b&*?%!!!! Move! Move! Move! Don’t you know that you are going to fail if you just sit on your butt and do nothing?!

ME: But I’m so tired. I just need a break.

TH: Take a break and you’ll never get up again!

ME: Just fifteen minutes. That’s all.

TH: You are such a loser! This is all because you’re fat and stupid! You have no self-control!!! Etc. Etc. Etc.

I don’t know about you but I would rather be like my daughter. I would rather listen to my energy and push when I need to push and relax when I need to relax.

When do you stop pushing? When you need a break. Even if it’s only five minutes here and there to begin, start building breaks into your life. For the next few days, pay attention to your energy levels. When you get cranky or feel de-energized, stop and take ten really deep breaths all the way down into your belly. Put on some beautiful music. Visit a flower shop. Call up one of your beloveds. Watch your all-time favorite movie.

Use Your Body to Heal

Use your body today in a creative way. Dance. Do yoga. Breathe with your entire body. Stretch to your four corners. Yawn as loud as you can. See if you can touch the ceiling and the floor. Balance on your tippy toes.