Stage a brainstorming session.

In the advertising and marketing agency where I used to work, we planned big brainstorming meetings with the entire creative team when we had a new project. We ordered in pizza and scattered toys all over the table. We had a giant pad of paper to capture our ideas and markers in all different colors. We always came up with better ideas when we worked this way. It was fun and we had the benefit of the collective wisdom of the group. I’ve recently been thinking that I need to call a brainstorming meeting about my life so I can collect creative ideas from my friends about how to think out of the box about other challenges: where to take my career next, how to find someone to watch my kid while I write, etc.

What would you call a creative brainstorming meeting for?

Who will serve as witnesses to your dreams?

This weekend I am teaching the first S.M.A.C.K. Your Inner Critic Workshopand I am thrilled! The work we’re going to be doing is so powerful that I know I will come away from this experience with lots of ammo for my Inner Critic, which frankly, I need right now. February in Minnesota is always the toughest month to get through. In fact my brother and I used to throw Don’t Commit Suicide Parties every February simply to help ourselves and our friends get through the shortest month that feels like the longest.

Some of what we’re doing in the workshop is based on work I’ve been doing with a couple of my pals for the past six years. Every year two of my girlfriends and I gather for an annual visioning summit to spend time working on our professional and personal goals for the future. First we fill each other in on what’s happened in the past year. Then we close our eyes and imagine what we want our lives to look like. Sometimes we choose specific parts to visualize: a relationship, a family, a book deal, for instance. The year I set the goal of living a writer’s life, I imagined how my office would look once I had already achieved everything I set out to. I saw the color of the paint, the awards on the wall, a copy of the New York Times bestseller list with my name on it.

After we finish playing in our imaginations, we spend time mapping out the steps we need to take in order to make the vision we saw reality. When I closed my eyes and saw my name on the cover of a book for stepmoms, for instance, I had to start listing all the action items I would need to take in order to actually publish that book, find an agent and interview stepmoms, for instance. I had to write down the things I needed to do to give me the energy and courage to start and finish such a project: exercise, time reading good books, and emotional support from friends. We then brainstorm ideas to help our fellow visioning mates achieve their goals.

All three of us have made giant strides in creating the lives we want to live. (A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom has won two awards!) And it’s amazing to look back and see that the  roadmaps we’ve constructed have actually led to the places we envisioned or to destinations even more rich than we could have ever dreamed. And we did it while eating delicious food, talking, and laughing.

Here’s the SMACK for today. Find one or several other like-minded people who are all working toward creating a more fulfilling life. Set up a time to meet weekly or every other week to check in with each other. First tell the group what you want to have accomplished by the next meeting. Then review the goals you set from last time. Report in about whether you achieved them or not and any challenges or triumphs you encountered.

This is important: Make sure that your witnesses are supportive of your successes. Sometimes success creates insecurity and self-loathing in other people that they take out on you. Choose your companions carefully because having witnesses to your dreams can help move you to action.

Ixnay the setback cycle.

“I need a smackdown that deals with setbacks. My inner critic goes into overdrive with the ‘You should have done X by now’ … and then moves into cycle of regret for lost time. For instance, having lost some weight, then losing ground, and then having to lose the same weight again.”

I know exactly where the reader who sent in this comment is coming from. What a great way for the Inner Critic to beat us down! The “By now you should have…” refrain is one I hear a lot from my inner bad guys. About my career, about how much money I have saved, about weight loss, etc. etc. etc.

But consider this: What if you let go of the shoulds? What if you used the energy that the Inner Critic is taking advantage of to beat you to a pulp and focus it instead on what you’ve done right? Accepting where and who you are right now in this moment has tremendous power.

No, I haven’t lost the “baby weight” which can no longer be fairly called baby weight. But I can still admire the beauty and strength of my magnificent body. Every day it moves where I want it to move, lifts the baby, and hugs my husband. I SHOULD have lost the weight by now. But I haven’t. BFD. There’s always tomorrow. Right?!

No, I haven’t published my fiction yet, which I SHOULD have done long ago because that’s all I’ve ever wanted and now I’m nearly 40 and I SHOULD have done so much more by now…

But I’ve continued to write. I’ve practiced. I’ve learned from other writers. And someday my fiction will be published. When the time is right.

Consider this yogic thought: Yesterday is extinct. Tomorrow doesn’t exist. All you have is right now. What do you want to be doing right now this minute? Worrying or loving? Beating yourself up or smiling?

Success Story: Paula Bisacre

Paula Bisacre, founder of Remarriage LLC is the publisher and executive editor of reMarriage magazine, a new online quarterly publication that provides practical solutions for the growing remarriage community.

In 2006, Paula’s youngest son, Trevor, was diagnosed with Type I diabetes.  Faced with the demands of his condition, Paula opted to change careers, enacting a business plan she conceived when she was planning her second wedding. 

Paula currently lives in Howard County, Maryland, where she works to balance her new career and the unique demands of her blended home.  Her husband and ever-supportive companion is retired Col. Michael Bisacre.  An Army Intelligence officer for 26 years, Col. Bisacre was stationed at Ft. Meade, Maryland and commanded the 902^ndMilitary Intelligence Group.  In his final post before retiring, Bisacre served as Deputy Commander of the U.S. Army Intelligence and Security Command in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia. 

Together, the Bisacre’s have five kids: Jennifer, 23; Amanda, 21; David, 17; Tyler, 16; and Trevor, 11.  Even their pets have become canine siblings – Hunter is a golden retriever and Buster a miniature pincer.

Paula is actively involved in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation where she serves on the board of directors for the Maryland chapter.  Locally, she leads the Howard County Support Group for Children with Type 1 Diabetes.

You left a career in government intelligence in order to found ReMarriage magazine. Why?

I originally had the idea to start this magazine about remarriage and stepfamily living when I remarried almost six years ago. I had envisioned the magazine as my “dream” hobby in my retirement years. I was over 20 years away from retiring, but I kept a journal of ideas for the magazine, and talked about these concepts with friends, family, and others who were on their remarriage journey. It wasn’t until my youngest son was diagnosed with Type 1 (juvenile) diabetes that I started to draft a business plan. I had taken a sabbatical to accompany him to summer camps through his first summer with diabetes; and, to make use of the time, I researched the industry and drafted my plan. I was going to drop the plan in a drawer and go back to my career at the end of the summer upon his return to school. I was back at work for about two weeks, and it became very apparent that I wasn’t earning an A+ as a mom or in my career. I didn’t think I was succeeding at managing his diabetes, being a mom of five, and having my career. Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive husband who encouraged me to grow and discover new purposes.

What fears did you have about making such a big leap and how did you combat them and continue to do your work?

The statistics I researched said that only one in ten start-up magazines succeed. I combated them with a fantastic support network. I have met so many wonderful, supportive people, including advisors, mentors, and life coaches.

What are you most proud of?

I am most proud of my family. And, I am proud that I have been able to make lemonade out of lemons more than once.

 

Tell us about the volunteering you’ve done because of your son.

When my son was diagnosed with Type 1 (juvenile) diabetes, I sought a support group in our county for us. When I learned there wasn’t an active support group for children and their families, I started one. We now have approximately 50 families associated with our group. And, we, as a family, support the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF). Our entire family gets involved in events, such as the walks for the cure and the Orioles dugout club activity. And, I am now a member of the JDRF Board of Directors for the Maryland chapter. One of the best experiences I have had so far is when the parent of a newly diagnosed child calls me looking for support. When a child is diagnosed, it often comes as a total shock and parents receive what feels like a fire hose of information from the medical providers. I LOVE talking with and supporting these parents.

How does your work there affect your confidence and sense of purpose?

It strengthens me and gives me hope. Finding a cure for type 1 diabetes is one of my new purposes in recent years. Before my son’s diagnosis, I knew nothing about this life-threatening disease for which there is no cure. People sometimes confuse it with type 2 diabetes, which can also be life-threatening and fraught with complications. But, fortunately, type 2 diabetes can often be reversed with proper diet and exercise. Type 1 leaves people dependent on insulin via daily shots or a pump for life, or until a cure is found. If you would have told me just over six years ago that I would no longer be an intelligence analyst for the government, become an entrepreneur, publish a magazine, be remarried to a wonderful man with five children total, and that I would become an advocate for finding a cure for Type 1 diabetes, I would have laughed you out of the room. I had been doing what I was doing for a long time. I feel like my whole life is transforming into something even more meaningful than before.

What do you do when none of your smackdowns for your Inner Critic are working?

I seek out friends or turn to some of my favorite books that focus on having confidence, feeling gracious, and being positive.

What keeps you motivated?

I surround myself with positive, motivating people and resources. We recently had a conversation about how it sometimes feels like the work you have to do on yourself never ends. When you’re tired, how do you refresh your energy to continue your journey to self-actualization? I seek out positive support systems, e.g., people, books, and ideas. Transformation and changing old habits and attitudes is very hard work. It is good to find a person who is experiencing similar changes in his or her life so you can support and help each other through the times when you are tired. If you don’t know someone like this, take a walk, look at the stars, listen to music or a CD. Remember the big picture. And, I think about the words of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, “Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure.” (source: Jack Canfield’s “Key to Living the Law of Attraction“)

Smackdown Your Inner Critic Workshop Announcement

Dear friends:

I have an important announcement regarding the upcoming workshop I’ve created: Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams.

Due to the state of the economy I have decided to reduce the fee of the workshop by half. Instead of $495 for the two-day intensive workshop, the fee is now $250. If you have lost your job, I would like to offer the workshop to you for $100. 

For those of you who have already paid for the workshop, you will receive a refund for the amount you overpaid.

Why? Because I feel that I must do what I can to help during this rough transitional time.

The Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams Workshop is for you if:

• You have a dream but your Inner Critic keeps you from doing it.
• You desire a life that balances inspiring work, deep friendships, and a loving partnership.
• There’s something you’ve always wanted to do but have been too afraid to try in your personal or professional life.
• You want to create a fulfilling and inspiring career.
• You want to find ways to make money that allow you more time with your loved ones.
• You have graduated or lost a job and don’t know what to do next.
• You’re dissatisfied with your body, your job, or your relationships and you don’t know how to create change.
• You want to develop a greater sense of self-confidence and ease.

Upcoming workshop dates are: 

February 21 and 22

Or

March 21 and 22

OR

April 25 and 26

What do you get for $250?
In addition to the two-day in-depth workshop you will receive:

• A FREE one-on-one personal telephone conference with me to discuss the particulars of your situation. As a personal development coach I will help you apply the techniques you learn in the workshop to your life in specific, actionable ways. Valued at: $150.00
• A 10% discount on future one-on-one personal development coaching. Valued at: up to $1,080
• Two FREE follow-up email consultations to ensure you are well on your way to creating the life of your dreams. Valued at: $60
• The Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams Workbook. Valued at: $29.95

Find out more at: http://101smackdowns.wordpress.com/the-workshop/ If you’d like to reserve a spot, email me or call 612-618-4330.
 
I would be grateful if you would pass this link along to anyone you think might be interested.

Best wishes,
Jacque

Managing the Inner Critic after you’ve lost your job.

In the last few days I have been in touch with many friends and readers of this blog who have lost their jobs. While having lunch with an extremely talented friend who was laid off from a job she loved, she described how the Inner Critic had more power over her than ever before. With every emailed resume she didn’t get a response to and every minute she waited for the phone to ring, the Inner Critic leapt into the communication void to whisper in her ear.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar? “You don’t have the right experience. You’re too old! You suck at interviews! You’ll never find a job! You’re not talented enough to get a job in this tight economic market!”

If you’ve lost your job, or are a freelancer like me and have to create jobs on a daily basis for a living, then we must battle that Inner Critic minute-by-minute. My Dad always use to say, “It’s easier to change lanes when you’re in the traffic than when you’re stopped at the side of the road.” True. But what if you are stopped on the side of the road by forces outside your control? Here are some things I’ve been stewing on lately.

Get dressed. I’ve written about this one before, but it’s so important. Put on the clothes you would wear to work so you’ll feel more confident. If you’re in your pjs or sweats, it’s easy to slip into inaction. Right now? I’m in my pjs. Whoops. One moment please.

Persue every lead. How do you figure out which opportunities to take? I believe it’s my job to put myself out there in as many ways and as often as I can. What comes back to me, is not up to me. So when doors open, I walk through them to see where they lead. Even if it wasn’t necessarily the right thing for me, I always learn some valuable lesson that serves me later in unexpected ways.

Face the worst-case and plan for it. What is the absolute worst thing that can happen? You’ll lose your house? And then what will you do? Lose your car? Then how will you get around? Though your circumstances may change in unpleasant ways, there is always a way through. Sometimes you have to change your career or your attitude, or your living arrangments. But there is always a way.

Be proud of yourself. Make a list of the moments in your life when you have been most proud of yourself. What did you do? What did you achieve? How did you handle a situation? Remember those moments now.

Do something that makes you feel confident. Make another list of moments when you have felt the most confident. What were you wearing? How did you walk? What are you really, really good at?

Find allies. If you have people in your life who take energy from you instead of helping you feel courageous, then ditch those friends or family members for a while. Call up the confident people you know and align yourself with them. Instead of hanging out with people who are scared and in fear spirals, find those who are scared and are rallying themselves for the fight with optimism and hope.

Use this time for self-exploration. Last week on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams, they ran a story about a 40-year-old woman who was in the financial industry and lost her job. Instead of returning to the same industry, she decided to go to school to become a chef. These stories abound during times like this. But if you view this time as an opportunity, then you will not only survive this turbulent era, you will thrive.

How about you? Let me know how you continue to smackdown your Inner Critic while you hunt for work or have to make a scary transition so we can all benefit! And please remember to do something kind for yourself every single day. This is especially important right now.

Guest Smackdown: For when you’re totally overwhelmed.

Today’s Smackdown is a guest post by one of our favorite bloggers, MFK over at Open-Source Career. Thanks MFK! This way we can take the day off to work on rectifying that pleasure deficit!

I am prone to a) inserting myself into totally-out-of-the-comfort-zone situations and b) getting totally overwhelmed as a result.  Since part a) is what helps me grow the most, and generally pays the biggest dividends, I have had to find a smackdown to combat part b). I’d like to share it with you by way of my favorite example.

Dispensing with my comfort zone entirely.
I graduated from a very small liberal arts college with a writing degree and then for the next six years worked exclusively in and with non-profits and lived a freewheeling lifestyle of clubbing, tattoos and underground commix.  Suddenly one day I decided to pursue an MBA and a life in corporate America. This decision was borne not from cool-headed thinking, but from the emotional aftermath from a political takeover of my agency and the firing of my mentor.

Talk about out of comfort zone.  Not only did I have no undergraduate education whatsoever in business or economics, I had no corporate experience at all.  Nor did I even own a suit. Nor do I really have a head for math. Or skill at golf.

But I had decided to join a top-30 ranked business school, study finance (math math math!), sell out into a corporate job, hold my own with the “golf playing assholes,” as I mistakenly thought all corporate types were, and wear a suit.  And because I’m both a perfectionist and competitive, I took it upon myself to kick ass at it all.

Talk about overwhelmed.  Totally, utterly, unbelievably overwhelmed.
Sick to my stomach every day. Not eating. Completely unmoored. Once, I turned to my friend in the program, Dave, and said, “Do you feel like you’ve been set on fire?”

Dave, who was an engineer, had a head for math and a corporate background. He said, “Absolutely.”  MBA school is intense. Dave was on fire. I was five-alarm.

Somewhere during that first semester, I rented the movie Broadcast News on a whim. This is the 1987 film wherein Holly Hunter plays Jane Craig, a high-powered, ambitious TV news producer. Jane Craig is a gal in the boys club, she is brilliant at what she does, she is kicking ass and taking names, her personal life is a mess, and she is overwhelmed.  Jane Craig is On Fire. Here was my role model! How did she power through? Would she teach me how? You bet.

Jane’s smackdown is now my smackdown:
Reserve 10 minutes every morning to freak entirely out in private.  Haywire freakout.  Lunatic freakout. At the top of the lungs. Jane’s is sobbing, hysterically, the big kind of sob a gal does not want the boys club to find out about. She does it regularly; it even seems scheduled. Each time she does it, there’s a point where suddenly it’s completely over. She shuts it off like flipping a switch, picks up her purse, straightens her shoulders, goes to work and kicks ass. Nobody knows about the freakout. She’s blown the release valve and being on fire doesn’t matter any more.

This worked for me before finals, when juggling too many assignments in too little time, during job interview season, before my first presentation to the President of my Fortune 50 company.  Jane’s smackdown is tremendously freeing.

Try it out. Let your fire burn.
Yell, swear, sob, shake yourself all over like you’re possessed, speak in tongues. Let your inner dork, your inner weakling, your inner angry lunatic, your inner ‘fraidy cat, your inner incompetent come out.  Do this alone, in the morning, before the day. Do it loudly. Make it physical.  Then switch it off. Set aside your fear and your overwhelm, go about your day and kick ass.

Turn your fear into a game and you’ll feel like less of an idiot.

Pick a physical thing you can do that will remind you of a person you believe is extremely confident. Then do it. Wear sunglasses inside. Wear an evening gown around the house. Put on a suit so you can step outside of yourself for a little while. It’s silly sometimes, and you don’t ever have to admit your strange antics at a cocktail party, but your Inner Critic is smart. The Heavyweight knows how to undercut you. If you use humor and games to get around it, you’ll find its power over you is reduced.

One of my first assignments as an editorial assistant at a city magazine was to dress up and attend charity events that all the rich and famous people frequented. I had to wander around with a photographer who would snap their pictures while I asked them their names.

As soon as the assignment would fall on my desk I would go home and worry for days about the upcoming event. Even though I’d lost about 70 pounds by then, I was still overweight and for a shy girl who didn’t want to draw attention to herself or her body, it was excruciating to have to walk up to these fancy people and engage them in conversation.

Since Clare and I had vowed to do something we were afraid of every year, I decided I would take an acting class and try out for a play. I’d loved acting in junior high and high school but had quit because in my senior year, while onstage playing Tevya’s wife Golda in Fiddler on the Roof, I heard the boys in the front row making fun of how fat I was. I had not performed since that night.

In the Method acting class I signed up for, I learned to come up with three physical things I could do that would help remind me of the character I was playing. I wondered if that technique might work in my real life. So in the hours before I had to cover yet another ball for the magazine, I decided to create a character: Confident Jacque. I chose three things I thought a confident person would do – shake hands firmly while looking people in the eye, walk with a straight back, and clasp my hands casually in my lap instead of shredding the nearest napkin, menu, or program to bits.

I set out to the ball of the season with a nervous flutter in my stomach and a curiosity to see if my experiment would work. Truth? The first time I did it I felt like an idiot. I mean, come on. I was faking it. I was play-acting like a 5-year-old. Sure, I could shake somebody’s hand and look them in the eye but I was still the kid that didn’t want to be noticed for fear that the attention would turn to hurtful teasing.

But I kept at it. I discovered that when I stopped slouching and walked with a straight back, my head automatically came up and my gaze with it. Because my body appeared to be more engaged and open instead of closed and disinterested, people began to respond to me differently. And with each positive interaction, I gained in confidence. Pretty soon I added another physical act: I looked people in the eye, smiled at them, and said “Hello,” while walking by.

The more I practiced, the more the confident actions began to seem like things I would do. Today, I am Confident Jacque. Even though I sometimes still feel like a complete idiot or too shy to ask for what I need or want. And then I practice again. For instance, this morning I felt too dumb to be writing advice about how to achieve your dreams. I’m only 36 years old. Who the hell is going to want to read anything I have to say? What do I know? So I chose my three things: 1. I painted my nails red because a sassy, confident woman would have written this. 2. I dressed up. I work in my home office and I can take myself and my work more seriously when I’m in a suit than when I’m in my pajamas. 3. I sat up straight in my chair. A confident writer would sit up straight with lots of energy, not slouch at the desk like a college student working on a term paper.

If you’re reading this smackdown, it worked. So what games do you play so you’ll feel like less of an idiot?

To get out of a rut learn something new.

Education is an antidote for many things: depression, isolation, confusion, relationship turmoil, career dissatisfaction, poverty. The list goes on. After the birth of my daughter, I settled in to nest for a while. I took time off from work, friends, and responsibilities. I learned how to feed her and take care of her and it was wonderful. But after a while, I began to feel isolated and stuck in my house. I felt like I’d gone underground. When it was time for me to engage in the world again, I started reading everything I could get my hands on about personal motivation, emotional intelligence, business development, and personal finance. This hunger for education was a clue that I was in a rut and needed to launch myself back into the public sphere. If you’re feeling stuck, consider trying something new:

• Sign up for a class with your love. Learn how to build wooden boats, manage your finances, or appreciate wine with your partner. It gives you automatic time together and expands your horizons.
• Read a different publication every morning. Instead of reading the same old newspaper or news websites day after day, purposefully seek out new sources of information. Instead of your city newspaper, listen to the BBC. Instead of reading USA Today, try Scientific American or Plenty Magazine.
• Take a class and try something you’re really bad at. I signed up for an oil painting class even though I have absolutely no talent at drawing. I managed to paint a hot pink cow. It wasn’t pretty, but it was fun!
• Connect with people outside your industry. If you’re a teacher, meet an MBA grad. If you’re in finance, talk with an architect. If you are a stay-at-home mom, meet an entrepreneur.
• Seek out teachers with a capital “T.” Find mentors who inspire and Teach you to reach for your dreams.

Today’s post was inspired by an op-ed piece about politics and a passion for learning written by Jocelyn Hale, the Executive Director of the Loft Literary Center. Read it here.