Don’t completely control the pendulum.

My friend Mel told me this yesterday:

“I get into this great groove where I’m cooking and eating right and taking care of myself and my family and my house, and all my energy is circulating really well. Then all these great opportunities start showing up and I want to explore them all and have fun, which is fantastic, but all those opportunities take up a lot of time so I stop eating right and taking care of myself and doing everything that prepared me for the opportunities in the first place…”

Another classic cycle!

I think the trick isn’t to try and stop the cycle for some mythical idea of being balanced completely every minute of every day. The trick is to be aware of what’s going on so that you can change direction in the cycle before the movement gets too extreme. Instead of stopping the pendulum, which would be inhumane, you just want to shorten the swings.

I’d add a corollary related to dating: You get into this great groove of sitting back and not working at dating, just relaxing and seeing what happens. Then an amazing guy comes along who’s so much better than the ones you’ve been dealing with, and you actually like him. But then because you like him, you start doing more, working a little harder, putting yourself out there, which rapidly turns into anxiety, and suddenly he isn’t hanging out with you as much as he was.

Again, the trick is, notice the second you start feeling anxious. Shift the pendulum the other way, and go back to being relaxed and effortless… and see what happens!

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

The Inner Critic is a cyclical beast–when one S.M.A.C.K. isn’t working, chances are an old S.M.A.C.K. from months ago will work just fine. So over the next week or so we’re going to run some of your favorite S.M.A.C.K. blog posts, the ones with the greatest hits and the most comments. Enjoy!

 

Visualization, meditation, imagination, brainstorming, whatever you decide to call this, I hope you’ll try it. If your Inner Critic tells you this kind of thing never works, kick it to the curb for the time being. Below you’ll find a guided meditation you can read to help you create the relationship you desire whether you are currently in a partnership or not. You can read it yourself, ask your spouse to read it to you, or tape yourself reading it out loud. I do have this recorded to music and will post the podcast soon. But in the meantime, basically what I’m asking you to do is close your eyes and imagine what you want. Then you’ll open our eyes and write down ways you can actually get to the vision you saw in your mind’s eye.

Visualization is a technique that’s been written about many times. Napoleon Hill wrote about it in his bookThink and Grow Rich, which was first published in the early 1900s. Shakti Gawain made it popular in her bookCreative Visualization in the 1970s, still a bestseller today. And the latest version of this technique is written about by Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret. Basically, it’s simple. You close your eyes and think about what you desire then you plan how you’re going to get what you want. (Note: If you’ve come to this blog via myBecoming a Stepmom blog, this meditation is different than the one I posted there this week.)

Now, turn off your phones, your blackberries your computers. Shut the door. Grab a notebook and pen and set them somewhere nearby. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will not be disturbed. Make sure your arms and legs are not crossed. Close your eyes. Now breathe deeply into your belly. Take five deep breaths. Relax. Be here now in your body. Feel the floor or chair supporting you. Breathe.

At the top and bottom of each breath, pause for a moment and listen to the stillness, the silence between the ocean swells of your breathing.

Now let’s tap into your imagination. Picture yourself with your life partner. Imagine the two of you in a setting that fills you with joy. It could be your home, a park, on the beach by the ocean, at an intimate table in a romantic restaurant. Right now, in this moment, you understand completely why you’re with this person. Why he or she makes you so happy. You feel the symbiotic relationship you have. The perfect give and take. You are both light with happiness. You are both connected to each other. Love emanates between you. Take a moment, look at your beloved and feel. How does that person make you feel right now? When you’re relationship is at its most supportive, its most loving, its most stimulating. How does your body feel? What is in your heart?

Imagine your partner with a smile on his or her face. How does it make you feel?

There is a reason you chose this person. There is a reason this person chose you. Remember that. Connect with it. Be open to your emotions. Be open to love.

Be open to love.

Be open to love.

This person sitting next to or across from you is another soul who is walking now or will walk beside you during their lifetime. Your partner has his or her own needs, her own desires, his own path, her own soul to answer to. How wonderful! How awe inspiring that this person has chosen to trust. And you have chosen to trust this person.

Breathe.

Be open to love.

In your imagination, thank your beloved for his or her presence in your life. Thank this person for showing up. Thank him for the things he has experienced that have made him perfect for you. Thank her for being.

Be open to love.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, open your eyes and write down what you saw in your visioning session. Write down the things you love about your current partner or that you imagined about your future partner. Write down how you felt.

Part two of this visioning exercise is action. If you are in a partnership right now, spend the week complimenting each other. Pay attention to your spouse and when she does something you like, tell her. Be honest and open with your feelings. If he casually takes your hand in the grocery store and you absolutely love that, tell him. If you come home from work and she’s cleaned up the kitchen, thank her profusely. If he snuggles you before you go to sleep and it makes you feel yummy, warm and safe, tell him.

If you are not currently in a partnership, compliment yourself and your future mate out loud. You might try: “Thank you for waiting to meet me until you’re finished unpacking your emotional baggage!” “Wow, did you see how beautiful I arranged the table this evening? I rock.” It’s easy to forget when you’re waiting for your significant other to show up that he or she may be busy doing something right now that would make your partnership impossible until he or she has completed it. If you’re waiting, refer to the Flatlands post, and keep the faith.

That should have been me…

The Inner Critic absolutely loves it when you see someone who:

• Had the same idea as you for a creative project but executed faster so it was produced before you even finished thinking about starting.
• Asked a guy out who you liked and ended up marrying him.
• Starting trying to get pregnant at the same time and it only took her a month.
• Was promoted ahead of you at work because they asked for a promotion and you didn’t.

How you respond determines how deeply the Inner Critic will get its nasty hooks into you. Do you internalize the situation as a failure and as proof that you’re not worth anything? Do you rally to the challenge and use your disappointment as fuel to be the one who gets there first next time?

Remember they really are out there.

To all the singleton ladies in our audience: When you’re dating and it feels like there are no men out there who want a committed relationship, just watch this video and S.M.A.C.K. your Inner Critic with a little lightness. It’s hilarious!

P.S. If you see a message that says “embedding disabled by request” just click on the video box again and it will take you to YouTube where it should automatically start the video.

Embracing Difference (literally)

Another dating S.M.A.C.K.!

Couldn’t we elect a representative of mankind to speak on behalf of them all, and the same for womankind? Just for a little clarification?

I used to want that, but then I realized that would ruin the mystery of that wonderful Other.

I still fall into the hands of the Inner Critic when it comes to dating though, and sometimes that spills over into being an Outer Critic for whichever guy confused me. So I’ve got three goals that I think work for either men or women, about either men or women:

1. Accept that they’re different.

2. Quit being mad at them for being different.

3. Love the fact that they’re different.

I reconnect with those goals and then I start having fun again. What reminders do you have to bring you back to a sense of fun?

Assuming makes…

an ass out of you and me.

One of the biggest problems I’ve encountered in dating, and witnessed other people encounter, is the race to assumption. One person (usually but not always the woman) assumes that there’s Something There before the other person does. The one with the assumption starts acting on that assumption, until one day the expectation isn’t met and the assumption is proved false.

Incoming, incoming! The Inner Critic is going to savage everybody involved, and guess who’s going to get the brunt of it. Assuming is a way of pretending that you have control in a situation where you don’t. But that other person doesn’t want to feel controlled, right?

If you’re the type to assume first (like me), try going the other route. Assume nothing. Or, if that seems impossible, assume that This (Whatever It Is) is gonna end. That will force you to live in the present moment, appreciate the other person for all that they are *and* that they aren’t, and ease up on yourself and everybody else. I personally am swearing not to assume anything about anyone until we’ve been dating at *least* four months.

As for how to do this, every time you start thinking Couple, just correct your thoughts. “We’re not a couple, we’re just having a good time.” That’s the easy part. The hard part is correcting your thoughts every time… but you can do it.  (This approach does feel better than the old assumptions approach, I hafta tell ya… because the truth is, you don’t want to feel controlled any more than that other person does.)

What you see is what you get.

Visualizing and manifesting work for a lot of people, but they always seem to backfire for me, so this is not a post about that. It’s about the power of deciding. I’m especially learning this smackdown through dating, but I think it applies to much of life.

“There are other fish in the sea” can be one of the most irritating attempts at comfort ever. Until you accept that it’s actually true. I think my Inner Critic loves it when I resist that wisdom because it means that I get to fall into obsessive, gripping behavior, which is the Inner Critic’s favorite M.O.

Accepting that there is way more than one fabulous guy out there leads me to be soft and flexible and wiggly and playful. And over and over again, every time I decide that yes, there are other fish out there… I start to see them. Literally see them all as I move through my day. It’s kind of like a genie blinking and the wish coming true. There are so many, they all look and behave so differently; it’s luxury! It’s playtime!

Try this with career opportunities, with fun things to do, with new ways to relate to the people around you, with ways to newly appreciate and enjoy your routines, with ways to save money that don’t feel constricting… whatever you’re feeling poor about.

Just decide the opportunities are out there, recognize that they might look slightly different than you thought they would, and head out to see them! Suddenly you’ll find that your real problem is not that you don’t have options, but that you aren’t sure how to narrow them down…

When changing yourself goes too far.

So lately, as far as dating goes, my Inner Critic has been looooooooosing! I feel like some kind of tide is turning, because I’ve got a whole new bag of tactics to use against my Inner Island. Nobody is an island! Nobody wants to be an island, either! Except of course, the Inner Critic, who wants to be a little dictator.

One of my tactics is an awareness of a mindset. My friend Elin described it like this:

If a man looks at a woman and thinks “You suck!” … he slaps her.

If a woman looks at a man and thinks “You suck!”… she slaps herself.

Slapping is a terrible exaggeration, of course, and sometimes it’s the man slapping himself and the woman slapping the guy.

What I mean is that there are people who, when faced with something they don’t like, will actively change the situation. If they are dating somebody they’re not crazy about, they’ll stop calling, stop hanging out, and stop dating. They’ll move on.

But there are other people who, when faced with something they don’t like, will try to change themselves. “Oh, this isn’t going well, I must be doing something wrong.” “I liked him a week ago, it will confuse him if I change my mind, so I’ll just stick with it.” “I can’t say no, it will hurt his feelings.” Or, most insidious of all, “Wow, this sucks. But I’m probably just being judgmental and uptight, so I’ll pretend this doesn’t suck until he starts to behave better and then it won’t suck anymore.”

So first and foremost, be aware of whether you tend to fall in the second category, because that is major Inner Critic territory. Imagine if you were in the first category… if you didn’t waste time in situations you really didn’t like…

A More Dependable First Impression

I’ve been taking Tai Chi and in some ways, it’s old, familiar territory. Its message to let go and sink and deepen is one I’ve heard before from many different sources, but my Tai Chi teacher has a new way to phrase it: Instead of reacting with Fight or Flight, react with Feed and Breed. The hallmark of Fight or Flight is tension in your neck and shoulders, whereas the home of Feed and Breed is your gut and leg muscles.

Are Tai Chi principles applicable to dating?

Well, take the first moment of attraction. Think about love stories. That first moment is supposed to be all giddiness and weak knees and getting hit in the chest and breathlessness. But if your head feels like it’s going to float off your body and you’re feeling your chest because all the blood is there and your knees are so weak you have to hold yourself up with your shoulders… doesn’t that put you in your Fight or Flight region?

No matter how romantic it may seem, how perfect the person inspiring it appears to be… that kind of attraction means you are not responding as a lover. You are responding as predator or prey.

Whereas if you meet someone who makes you sink sinuously into your hips or stand taller on your strong legs, makes you feel like you’re standing on firm ground, who doesn’t make you clench your shoulders with excitement… that is somebody you can Feed and Breed with.