Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

What would happen if you fell apart?

A few days ago a friend asked me: What would happen if you fell apart? I mean, like one of those big dramatic, in-your-face, flowing tears, slamming doors, alienating my loved ones, I’m in crisis, do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-it-all-out kind of fall apart? Immediately my ever-faithful Inner Critic responded:

“No, no, no, no! You can’t fall apart! What would happen to everyone else? They’re counting on you! They might be hurt because of something you didn’t do! You would be to blame for ruining their lives! Everything would come crumbling down! YOU MUST NOT LOSE YOUR SHIT. Or if you do lose it a little bit, you must do it QUIETLY in the DARK when you’re all ALONE!!! You got that?!!!”

It wasn’t until much later, in the middle of the night, when a quiet little voice was able to whisper: “But what about me?”

Someday if I get brave enough I’m going to fall apart on a grand scale. For now I’m going to start asking myself questions. What would happen if I fell apart? Would I lose some friends? Maybe. Would I piss off my family? Possibly. Would I f-bomb up my marriage? Not likely. Would I burn some bridges? I might. Would everything be okay in the end? Absolutely.

Are you seeing the correct reflection?

We all need to have confidants who we can vent to or use as sounding boards about our lives. And though just talking about things is important, it’s critical that we talk to the right people. If you’re going through an emotional transition, find people to talk to who have gone through the same thing you have. That way what they are reflecting back at you will be useful. And use discernment when discussing your emotional life with people who are not in a good place themselves. If one of your nearest and dearest is struggling, they will probably come back at you with advice they really need for themselves instead of accurately seeing you.

Many kudos to the brilliant Amy for the topic of today’s Smackdown.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Unyielding Hope

“Change has come to America.” Regardless of your political views, Obama gave a masterful victory speech. He said many powerful statements, but I’d like to bring up one that in my mind applies particularly well to family life. When Obama said our ”unyielding hope,” is part of the true genius of our country, I thought of the many couples who are out there struggling every day to create a home that feels good to be in. I thought of the high divorce rate, the falling marriage rate, the number of couples breaking up because the economy has highlighted tensions. I thought of all the people returning to relationships after being hurt because of that same sense of hope. We hope we can create a family life in which conflict is not a way of life, but a rare occurance.  We hope that love, respect, and healing will overcome the differences between family members who don’t share blood, who are lost in rebellion or depression or addiction.

But as Obama said last night, “We are one people.” If you have a high-conflict home life, can you readjust your thinking so that you can unite your family just as Obama wants to do with our country? What holds back your progress as a happy, healthy couple? Can you create a bond with your partner that is so strong you can withstand any challenge that comes your way?

How? How will you do these things? How will you turn your unyielding hope to action? To a way of life? How will you create a partnership that is everything you hoped for and more?

The Hero’s Journey

To decide that you will set out to fulfill what you believe is your purpose is to begin a journey that is dogged with the same obstacles as any hero’s journey. First, you make the decision and you are so excited! Finally! You’re ready to begin achieving your dream! This feeling of euphoria lasts for a while and it feels so good.

You take your first few steps. Then suddenly you come across a hurdle.

You hear the voices of your loved ones saying, “Are you sure?” “Is that safe?” “What if XXX happens?” Of course, the voice of the Inner Critic echoes everything your well-meaning friends and family say to you. This is the first hurdle. There are more.

There are days when nothing seems to go right. When nothing appears to be moving in any direction at all. When you’re not sure that you’ve made any progress up to now. When the world seems to throw obstacles at you from every direction. This is an easy place for that sneaky voice of the Inner Saboteur (Check out Rosanne Bane’s fantastic work about this conniving little character), to pipe up and tell you that you might as well not go on. You’re a failure anyway.

Perhaps you stand up to the Saboteur and continue to move toward your goals. Perhaps a wise mentor shows up to help guide you. Perhaps you see a sign that inspires you to go on. To keep fighting.

In the hero’s journey, the closer you get to the mountain top the more challenging the tests become. You are being asked: How badly do you really want this? How many times are you willing to try, try, try again?

Consider this Thomas Edison quote: “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

If you’re facing hurdles you must jump, or difficulties you must overcome, or doubts you must silence, or thoughts of giving up–try waiting. Just wait. Sleep on it. Wait a week and see if things suddenly become easier or you are able to see a creative solution to what you thought was an insolvable problem. Remember even though he almost gives up and suffers setbacks many times along the way, the hero always gets there in the end.