Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

For the People-Pleasers

This may sound ridiculously obvious to some of you, but I know there’s a good percentage of folks with Inner Critics who need to hear this:

You are allowed to be mad at people.

For everyone who just had a physical reaction to that permission: when was the last time you were in a painful situation and you didn’t blame yourself? Maybe a friend made a comment about you that hit home. You probably handed the reins over to the Inner Critic right away, and General Zod whipped you into a lather about how true that comment was and how long you’ve been that way and what a weakness it is in you and you’re basically a cripple, give up, just give up on everything.

As opposed to thinking, Wow, you, my dear friend, are being kind of a jerk right now and I think I’ll stay away from you for a while until you miss me.

If someone has deserved your anger lately, acknowledge it (whether to them or to yourself, depending on your style).

You don’t have to wait for hindsight

Severe disappointment. The Inner Critic’s favorite pigpen.

Especially the kind of disappointment that comes without explanation, so you can’t figure out why you didn’t cut the mustard, why you weren’t worth what you thought you wanted…

(That, of course, is classic Inner Critic language.)

One of the standard ways to cope with disappointment is to acknowledge that sometime in the future, you’ll look back and see how it all made sense and why it had to happen this way.

But I think that’s missing the point a little. With every disappointment there is something already good trying to get into your life. Think of it as the door closing after the window was already opened…. If you sit calmly and listen, you may hear what that angel whisper is singing; but if you can’t tap in, your friends probably can, so give them a call.

All you have to do is be willing to ask, What’s the good Right Now? What’s the sun behind the cloud that just passed out of sight?

Are you seeing the correct reflection?

We all need to have confidants who we can vent to or use as sounding boards about our lives. And though just talking about things is important, it’s critical that we talk to the right people. If you’re going through an emotional transition, find people to talk to who have gone through the same thing you have. That way what they are reflecting back at you will be useful. And use discernment when discussing your emotional life with people who are not in a good place themselves. If one of your nearest and dearest is struggling, they will probably come back at you with advice they really need for themselves instead of accurately seeing you.

Many kudos to the brilliant Amy for the topic of today’s Smackdown.

Keep your friends close.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Find Cheerleaders to Help You Stay in the Game

Everybody needs a cheerleader. You probably have plenty of people who will gladly get together with you to complain or vent about life. But how many cheerleaders do you have? How many people have faith in you? How many believe that you are going to make your dreams come true and tell you that regularly? If you don’t have a cheerleader, get one. If you already have a cheerleader, thank him or her profusely.

Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

Hire an expert and don’t feel bad about it.

There is absolutely no shame in hiring the help you need. Whether it’s someone to help you keep the house clean and the kids under control or a therapist to guide you through your inner world, hiring the experts you need to make your life run more smoothly is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

From Clare: So this is one of the smackdowns Jacque wrote — she and I consult each other’s smackdowns ALL the time. This one especially sang to me today because less than a month ago I had a sudden thought that maybe I should buy an apartment. But I’m a single gal with a seriously low income. How? And is it something I even really want?

In less than a month (more like two weeks!), I acquired: a wise friend to point out how much freedom owning your own place gives you, relatives willing to help me with loans, and all at the same dinner party I hosted: a construction builder who offered to check potential apartments for structural soundness, an architect willing to help me fix things, two real estate agents, and a dear friend who has bought real estate umpteen times, loves going to open houses, and is on the  phone with me right now telling me about available apartment ads she’s reading.

Nothing beats a team! Do you already have a team, or teams? Have you been in touch with them lately, if only to say thank you? And if you don’t seem to have a team, start imagining what it would be like to see other people get excited about helping you make your dreams come true. Imagine the planning sessions over pretzels, the phone calls at odd hours of the night with sudden ideas, and the clinking of champagne glasses in celebration!