Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

For the People-Pleasers

This may sound ridiculously obvious to some of you, but I know there’s a good percentage of folks with Inner Critics who need to hear this:

You are allowed to be mad at people.

For everyone who just had a physical reaction to that permission: when was the last time you were in a painful situation and you didn’t blame yourself? Maybe a friend made a comment about you that hit home. You probably handed the reins over to the Inner Critic right away, and General Zod whipped you into a lather about how true that comment was and how long you’ve been that way and what a weakness it is in you and you’re basically a cripple, give up, just give up on everything.

As opposed to thinking, Wow, you, my dear friend, are being kind of a jerk right now and I think I’ll stay away from you for a while until you miss me.

If someone has deserved your anger lately, acknowledge it (whether to them or to yourself, depending on your style).

Friends keep you healthy.

Meaningful connections to other people have been linked to longevity in several studies. And furthermore, those who are isolated from other people are much more likely to suffer from depression. I can attest to the dramatic affects isolation can have as can most new moms. After a move to the suburbs and away from my friends just before giving birth to my daughter, I suffered a serious case of the blues.

While researching a new book I came across a startling fact that mothers in the first few years after having a baby are at risk for depression and mental illness more than any other segment of the population. I’m currently interviewing moms for the project, and nearly all of them report feeling isolated and overwhelmed. So many of them felt that they had no one to talk to about their experiences–not old friends, not family members, not other moms.

But friends keep you healthy. And it’s not just new moms who suffer from a lack of close friendships, and it’s not just women. When I asked my husband who he wanted to invite to his 40th birthday party, he said, “I don’t want a party. I don’t have any friends. Everyone who would show up would be your friend.”

It takes effort to create and maintain friendships. Phone calls, visits, coffees, dinner parties. It takes checking in to see how they’re doing, apologies for miscommunications, and heartfelt support. All of that takes time and energy, but as researchers have found, friendships are critical to our physical and mental health.

The Inner Critic doesn’t stand a chance when you have good friends to bounce ideas off of. Your spirals into negative thinking are easier to break when you have a friend who will tell you the truth about what they see in you. And when you can vent and feel heard and understood, it can make you feel like you can actually handle the situation at hand.

So today’s S.MA.C.K. involves a two-pronged approach. First, thank the friends you already have and set up a time to hang out or talk. Second, make an effort to meet a new friend.

And finally, here’s a shout out to my dear friend Clare. Thank you!

What would happen if you fell apart?

A few days ago a friend asked me: What would happen if you fell apart? I mean, like one of those big dramatic, in-your-face, flowing tears, slamming doors, alienating my loved ones, I’m in crisis, do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-it-all-out kind of fall apart? Immediately my ever-faithful Inner Critic responded:

“No, no, no, no! You can’t fall apart! What would happen to everyone else? They’re counting on you! They might be hurt because of something you didn’t do! You would be to blame for ruining their lives! Everything would come crumbling down! YOU MUST NOT LOSE YOUR SHIT. Or if you do lose it a little bit, you must do it QUIETLY in the DARK when you’re all ALONE!!! You got that?!!!”

It wasn’t until much later, in the middle of the night, when a quiet little voice was able to whisper: “But what about me?”

Someday if I get brave enough I’m going to fall apart on a grand scale. For now I’m going to start asking myself questions. What would happen if I fell apart? Would I lose some friends? Maybe. Would I piss off my family? Possibly. Would I f-bomb up my marriage? Not likely. Would I burn some bridges? I might. Would everything be okay in the end? Absolutely.

Keep your friends close.

Have an uncomfortable conversation.

Have an honest discussion with your partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or friend about a topic you’ve had trouble resolving. Instead of swallowing your feelings or ignoring the problem, have an honest, respectful discussion about the issue. Only attempt this smackdown using the following guidelines.

1.) Listen to each other, for real. Make sure you can see the other person’s point even if you disagree. (I’m picking up what you’re laying down.)

2) Do not interrupt. (But…wait…hey…I was saying…)

3.) No contempt, sarcasm, or criticism allowed. (Thank you John Gottman.)

4.) If things get too tense, make a joke or give a compliment. (You are so hot in that shirt!)

5.) Take ownership of your baggage, assumptions, and victim statements. (What would I know? I’m just a person who’s opinions don’t count…insert tiny violin playing here.)

6.) Brainstorm creative alternative solutions to your predicament. (What if you go out with your buddies tonight and come with me to my OB appointment tommorrow? Then we each get what we want.)

And finally, remember that you love each other and you both have good intentions. Sometimes partnership is difficult, but there’s a reason you’re there now willing to go deep with your partner. Before you end this conversation, tell your partner at least three special moments you cherish from your time together.

Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.