Embracing Difference (literally)

Another dating S.M.A.C.K.!

Couldn’t we elect a representative of mankind to speak on behalf of them all, and the same for womankind? Just for a little clarification?

I used to want that, but then I realized that would ruin the mystery of that wonderful Other.

I still fall into the hands of the Inner Critic when it comes to dating though, and sometimes that spills over into being an Outer Critic for whichever guy confused me. So I’ve got three goals that I think work for either men or women, about either men or women:

1. Accept that they’re different.

2. Quit being mad at them for being different.

3. Love the fact that they’re different.

I reconnect with those goals and then I start having fun again. What reminders do you have to bring you back to a sense of fun?

Put a sheet over your distractions.

This smackdown for the Inner Scatter-Brain is courtesy of a participant in the S.M.A.C.K. Your Inner Critic workshop this past weekend. Put a sheet over the things that distract you so you can keep your focus on whatever task you’ve decided to complete. Even if you don’t put an actual sheet over things you want to put aside for now, you can use that visual as a meditation to focus your mind on tuning out the million other things you could be doing while you work on your creative project, business plan, job search, menu for the week, or whatever that one thing is you want to accomplish but keep putting off.

Cancel/Clear

I’ve been concentrating a lot on quick fixes lately. It’s a great feeling to look at your goals for January and know that you’re actually on track to meeting them, and to look at your resolutions (for lack of a better word) and know that with a few slip-ups here and there, you’re respecting your principles and moving forward, however slowly.

The Inner Critic responds to all this happy knowledge, then, by zeroing in on the random free three minute epochs of your day. It attacks a deceptively small piece of the big picture. That’s where quick fixes come in so handy, though. One little tweak and your three minutes are free again, until you’re on to the next event.

One of my favorite quick fixes is “Cancel/Clear,” as in the cancel/clear button on older computers. The second I have a negative thought, anything from “I’m gonna miss my deadline” to “I’m gonna spill this martini all over that customer,” I just think “Cancel/Clear” and blip! My mind is wiped clean.

Shout out to Eric Francis at planetwaves.net for this one!

Welcome to the land of the Forgetful Fog.

This morning when I woke up back in my room, I realized that over the weekend I visited the Land of the Forgetful Fog. It is a place where my intentions to get on the treadmill are lost in the mist, my desire to work on my novel is replaced with other meaningless tasks, my list of to-dos to achieve my goals is left forgotten in a closed notebook.

This is a land where the true devastating genius of my Inner Critic shows up, or rather, doesn’t. Instead of beating me up, it remains quiet. Too quiet. I am lulled into a state of peace. Ahhhhh. I like it here.

If I were doing this quieting of my monkey mind on purpose, this post would be about something completely different because then my intentions to be at peace would be fulfilled in a meditative state. But the Land of the Forgetful Fog is dangerous. It is a place of apathy where I conveniently forget all my dreams because really, they’re too hard to achieve anyway. It is the poppy field in The Wizard of Oz.

I have lived in the poppy field in certain areas of my life for months and, yes, years at a time. Then one day I’ll way up and realize that I haven’t spent a single day writing fiction. Even though that’s what I really want to do. Or I haven’t been to a yoga class in months, even though yoga makes me feel amazing.

For the first half of 2009, here is what I’m going to do to make sure that I don’t lie down and fall asleep among the flowers: I’ll find a Sharpie and write the things I want to make sure I don’t forget to do on a piece of really beautiful, handmade paper. Then I will frame the paper and hang it on the wall in a place where I couldn’t possibly miss it. Next to the door of my bedroom. On the fridge. Near the mirror in the bathroom.

That way I’ll have a reminder that I am on a mission. And isn’t Oz usually a lot closer than it looks?

Smackdown Your Inner Critic Workshop Announcement

Dear friends:

I have an important announcement regarding the upcoming workshop I’ve created: Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams.

Due to the state of the economy I have decided to reduce the fee of the workshop by half. Instead of $495 for the two-day intensive workshop, the fee is now $250. If you have lost your job, I would like to offer the workshop to you for $100. 

For those of you who have already paid for the workshop, you will receive a refund for the amount you overpaid.

Why? Because I feel that I must do what I can to help during this rough transitional time.

The Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams Workshop is for you if:

• You have a dream but your Inner Critic keeps you from doing it.
• You desire a life that balances inspiring work, deep friendships, and a loving partnership.
• There’s something you’ve always wanted to do but have been too afraid to try in your personal or professional life.
• You want to create a fulfilling and inspiring career.
• You want to find ways to make money that allow you more time with your loved ones.
• You have graduated or lost a job and don’t know what to do next.
• You’re dissatisfied with your body, your job, or your relationships and you don’t know how to create change.
• You want to develop a greater sense of self-confidence and ease.

Upcoming workshop dates are: 

February 21 and 22

Or

March 21 and 22

OR

April 25 and 26

What do you get for $250?
In addition to the two-day in-depth workshop you will receive:

• A FREE one-on-one personal telephone conference with me to discuss the particulars of your situation. As a personal development coach I will help you apply the techniques you learn in the workshop to your life in specific, actionable ways. Valued at: $150.00
• A 10% discount on future one-on-one personal development coaching. Valued at: up to $1,080
• Two FREE follow-up email consultations to ensure you are well on your way to creating the life of your dreams. Valued at: $60
• The Smackdown Your Inner Critic and Live the Life of Your Dreams Workbook. Valued at: $29.95

Find out more at: http://101smackdowns.wordpress.com/the-workshop/ If you’d like to reserve a spot, email me or call 612-618-4330.
 
I would be grateful if you would pass this link along to anyone you think might be interested.

Best wishes,
Jacque

Share your gifts with other people.

My husband is far more generous and thoughtful than I am. He denies it, but it’s true. I’m a first-born child. I’m passionate and driven. But that can translate into self-absorption pretty easily if I’m not careful. And when I’m really out of balance, my first response to others is anger instead of open-heartedness. Several things have happened in the last few months to make me think that I’m way out of whack and need to reassess my priorities: My sudden tendency to drop the f-bomb at other drivers in fits of road rage. The state of the economy. The death of my sister-in-law. The struggles of a family business that have deeply affected people I love.

This year on my list of resolutions I put: “Be more generous.” The times in my life when I have felt most peaceful, happy, and loved, I have freely given my gifts to other people. And that feeling is priceless. I like myself a whole lot better when my first thought is “How can I help?” rather than “What the f$%& do you want?!” Here is my New Year’s list for how I can be more giving to others:

• Pray for the health and well-being of the people involved everytime I hear a siren.
• Ask how my friends and family are doing. Be present with them, actively listening, instead of allowing my mind race ahead.
• Ask my friends and family what they need.
• Give spontaneous gifts to strangers and loved ones.
• Spend uninterrupted time with my children.
• Be more thoughtful toward my husband.
• Create boundaries around work and family so that I am fully present for every part of my life.
• Offer to help.
• Serve my husband breakfast in bed.
• Apologize to people I’ve hurt.
• Forgive people who have hurt me.
• Give the people I have challenges with the benefit of the doubt.
• Smile.
• Hug.
• Think abundance not scarcity and share my resources.
• Pay attention.
• Repeat this mantra: Plenty of time. Plenty of money. Plenty of help. (Shout-out to Dottie Bacon for that one!)

How about you? Besides all the resolutions you make this year to better yourself, how can you support other people? How will you share yourself with others? How will you help your loved ones have a hell-of-a 2009?

Smackdown Success Story: Rosanne Bane – Part Two

Part Two. Click here to read Part One.

In your book Dancing in the Dragon’s Den, you wrote a lot about the saboteur. How do you know the difference between when you’re sabotaging yourself and when your Inner Critic is actually helping you?
I think the Inner Critic and the Saboteur are pretty much synonymous. I don’t think the Inner Critic is ever helpful. I know the Saboteur never is. The Inner Critic and the Saboteur are the voices of judgment.

My perspective is that every artist must have discernment, but judgment is never useful. Judgment is final: this is good (no need to improve) or this is bad (no possibility of improving). You have to discern what’s working and what options could improve your work.

How does the Inner Critic show up in your life?
My Saboteur is very subtle. The Saboteur always lies and my Saboteur lies by telling partial truths, usually on some variation of ‘This little thing won’t matter.’ For example, “So what if you don’t show up for your writing today, you can always put in extra time tomorrow.” True, I can skip a day without disastrous results and true, I could put in extra time the next day, but the deeper truth is that if I don’t show up on Monday, it’s harder and scarier to show up on Tuesday. Every day I miss makes it harder to come back. Even more significant, if I tell myself I’ll write every day and then I don’t show up one day, I’ve lied to myself. That feeds the Saboteur and makes it stronger. It’s vital that I keep my word to myself.

Has your own Inner Critic ever kept you from doing something that you wish you’d had the courage to do? What?
Yes and no. The Inner Critic/Saboteur has certainly delayed many of my dreams. But I’m not willing to give up, and as long as I keep showing up, taking action and doing what I can to get out of the limbic brain, where the Saboteur seems to thrive, and back to my creative brain, I’m doing okay.

I don’t know why we all have a Saboteur, but we do, so it must have some purpose. Like M. Scott Peck said “Life is hard. It’s supposed to be hard.” The Saboteur makes it harder. Fortunately, I can do hard. I’ve done things I never thought possible and shown myself that I’m capable of so much more than I usually think I am. You’re capable of more than you realize and you can do hard, too.

What are you most proud of yourself for?
Every day I show up for my writing, my self-care commitments (which are currently meditation and working out), my family and friends, in short, every day I show up for my life, I take pride in that day. I am proud of writing and publishing Dancing in the Dragon’s Den, I am proud of being part of my clients’ and students’ successes, I’m proud of the work my partner and I have done to create a loving, committed relationship. But I don’t want to focus on past accomplishments; I want to keep my focus on the present. How am I showing up for my life today?

What strategies did you use to calm your fears and take action?
I use habits, rituals and routines. Routines soothe the limbic brain and make it easier to move into and stay in the creative cortex. Habits remove the need to make a decision. Once I start the ‘Will I or won’t I” discussion in my head, I’m doomed. A habit means I don’t have to decide everyday if I’m going to write or meditate, I just do it six out of seven days. As an added bonus, research shows that an on-going meditation practice makes the limbic brain less reactive. In other words, the more I follow the healthy habits I’m committed to, the easier it is to follow those habits.

I also make public commitments. Part of the reason I teach the Writing Habit class at the Loft semester after semester, year after year, is that while I’m teaching them how to be accountable to themselves, they’re helping me be accountable to myself. I can’t tell students to follow the three practices I recommend unless I’m doing it myself.

You’re a coach, an author, a speaker, a teacher. What have you done to ensure that you don’t get paralyzed with inaction?
Inaction is not a problem. I’m self-employed and I’m always busy. The challenge is making sure I’m taking the right action. That’s where time management techniques, lists, working with my own coach and public commitments come in.

What do you do when none of your smackdowns are working?
Many years ago, I was clinically depressed and needed intervention from a therapist. I think my Saboteur was totally in control at that time. I’ve gone through that and a few other serious ‘dark nights of the soul’ and now I know I’ll never let the Saboteur get so powerful again. I’ve done my emotional and spiritual work. I know I can always do something to curb the Saboteur.

What keeps you motivated?
Hearing that I’m making a difference in someone’s life. My partner, my family, my friends, my dog, Blue. Being passionate. Being outraged at injustice. The glorious oranges and purples of the sun rising every morning and setting every evening. The yellow finches that gather outside my office window every spring. Great books. The thrill of writing and seeing characters and a story come together out of my imagination onto the page.

Is there anything you’d like to add that I haven’t thought to ask?
Every writer, every creative person, experiences resistance of some kind. Sometimes we recognize that as the Inner Critic or the Saboteur. Sometimes we just think we’re too busy. Sometimes we’re afraid we don’t know where to start or how to keep going. Sometimes we wonder if we really can do what we most want to do. What makes or breaks us is not whether we experience resistance (we will!), it’s how we respond to resistance. The important thing is to keep showing up for your writing/creativity, your life, yourself. I help people do that.

Holiday gifts to soothe the Inner Critic

I’ve come across so many cool people and ideas working on this blog that I thought I would pass them on immediately in case you haven’t yet added yourself to your holiday shopping list. This gift guide is for you! A shout out to Maria Schneider over at Editor Unleashed for the idea.

Empoword
The two groovy women who started this company will be featured as a success story on this site soon, but I didn’t want to wait that long to introduce you to their cool site. They design and manufacture products that include a word and an image intended to inspire you or motivate you. Words include: bliss, balance, gratitude, giggle, strength, and wonder. Check out their online store.

 

The Book of Positive Quotations
This national bestselling book published by Fairview Press can give you a pick-me-up in seconds.

Legacy Chocolates
The best treats I’ve ever had in my life. Seriously. I buy a box whenever I travel or need a gift for someone else. If you love dark chocolate, don’t miss the 99% truffles. Yum. The company is based in Wisconsin and Minnesota, but you can order online. Lucky you.

Dancing in the Dragon’s Den
Rosanne Bane’s book about the Saboteur has many strategies to help combat the Inner Critic. You’ll see more about Rosanne here in the next few days when I post her success story.

Experience Life Magazine
Editor-in-chief Pilar Gerasimo and her staff are way ahead of the curve with this cutting-edge magazine that shows us how to have a whole, healthy life. Read it online or buy yourself a subscription.

Managing the Inner Critic: Part Two

The techniques for knocking out your Inner Critic come in five categories. So if you’re battling the brutal voice of the Inner Critic every morning with your coffee as you look for a job, or procrastinate on your thesis, or continue to believe that you are not worthy of love, try a smackdown from each category every week. (Or every day if need be!)

Kindness. Kill the Inner Critic with kindness. Make sure self-care is a part of your daily routine, even if it’s just ten deep breaths before you walk out the door in the morning. When you allow yourself pleasureable experiences, you are showing the Inner Critic that you respect and love yourself. There is no room for brutality from the Inner Critic when you are feeling good.

Surprise. Keep the Inner Critic on its toes by doing new things. Try something silly like painting a tree in your garage or something scary that takes you outside your comfort zone.

Knowledge. Coming up with new ways to motivate yourself, to combat fear, and to create a life on purpose requires that you deeply know yourself. You need to know what your core values are, your passions, what things embarrass you, and how you light a fire in your belly that can help you go after a goal even when it’s difficult.

Faith. In order to really beat the Inner Critic, it’s important that you have faith in yourself. Faith that you are worthy of the life you want and belief that you can do it. This category also includes having faith in something bigger than yourself – God, your higher power, or your reason for being.

Action. The Inner Critic hates it when you actually do something to move toward your dreams. And it will put up a fight, but if you are proving your intentions to create the life you want by moving toward it with action, then you’re really on your way! Every time you say, “Yes! I did that!” the Inner Critic goes to sit in time out.

The art of smacking down your Inner Critic is really about trial and error. When your Inner Critic wises up to a particular technique so it won’t work for you anymore, your job is to come up with new ways to engage yourself in actively creating the life you want. It’s a lifelong process. But the rewards are a life lived with intention and presence. This is our chance!

Smackdown Success Story: Kate DiCamillo

If you have kids or just love reading books for young people, then you know who Kate DiCamillo is. Her book Because of Winn-Dixie was a Newbery Honor Book, The Tiger Rising was a National Book Award finalist, and The Tale of Despereaux won the Newbery medal in 2003. Two of her books have made it to the big screen. The Tale of Despereaux opens in theaters December 19. Her latest book is for children is Louise, The Adventures of a Chicken, which came out in September 2008.

I saw you speak at the Loft a few years ago and you told the audience how you were rejected a lot-something like 400 times-before your editor discovered Because of Winn-Dixie in the slush pile at Candlewick Press. How did you smackdown your Inner Critic during that time and keep submitting again and again?

First, a clarification: all those rejections (some 470 or so) were for short stories, not for Winn-Dixie (a book which has led a happily charmed existence). But: how did I deal with all that rejection?  I had a dartboard. I would come home from work, open the mail, take out the most recent rejection letter, affix it to the dartboard, and throw darts at it until I felt better. Then I would take the story, package it up, write a new cover letter and send it out again.

How did you stand up to the pessimism that is so rampant among people who are stuck or not going after their dreams?

I was lucky enough to work with a man who greeted me each morning at the time clock with these words: What’s Plan B, babe?  What are you going to do when the writing doesn’t work out? What’s Plan B? I am deeply grateful to him. Every morning, I was properly enraged, ready to do battle, unwilling to give in, unwilling to give up.

Do you struggle with your Inner Critic?

Yes, but I’ve also learned to rely on my Inner Critic. I *need* that critic to show up for me when I am working on the 3rd draft and the 4th draft and the 5th draft, to help me to be ruthless, to show me what works and what doesn’t.

What kinds of things does your Inner Critic say to you?

Oh, terrible things.  One of its favorite utterances: Who do you think you are?

What is the worst thing it’s ever said to you?

Not printable.

So many people don’t celebrate their success. Have you ever said to yourself, “Damn, I’m good!” and done something special to mark your achievements?

No, I’ve never said that. I have said: I have been blessed. Please let me appreciate all these wonderful gifts that have been given to me. I’ve worked to be happy about what has happened to me.

Has there been a backlash within you to your success?

Sure, when people embrace what you do, you want to keep telling stories that will make them happy. And you can’t write to make anybody happy. It doesn’t work.

What techniques have you used to smackdown your Inner Critic day after day, book after book?

I get up early. The critic sleeps late. So, I go right from the bed to the computer, before that voice that says “no” is fully awake. Also, I keep showing up. The critic can make you lazy and afraid. I try to best it simply by showing up and doing my work, a little bit at a time.

Has your Inner Critic ever been useful?

Yes, profoundly so, in every rewrite I have done.

How do you motivate yourself to finish things?

I set manageable goals and then I stick to them.

Does a successful author like you continue to have fears and doubts that the Inner Critic beats you up with? If so, what are they?

Oh, I worry all the time: What next? What if I can’t?  

Is there a time when you were nervous or fearful and you did whatever it was you were nervous about anyway? How?

I’m nervous and fearful every day. I try to get around that by sitting down and doing the work in spite of the fear and the nerves.

What advice would you give to people who were stuck in inaction because they were afraid to take risks, hear criticism, etc.?

I would say that if this (writing) matters to you, then you are going to have to learn to take risks. It’s part of the job. And you are going to have to learn to listen to other people. That’s the job, too.

What are your favorite sources of inspiration?  

Music.  Books.  Art.  Long walks.  Coffee.  Dogs.  Friends.  Laughter.

What did you think the first time you saw your work on film?

I thought: the world is a strange and miraculous place and I am glad to be here.