Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

Why do we worry?

Most of us are willing to admit that worrying doesn’t really help. Actual problem-solving almost always requires you to change your perspective on the problem, and the best way to change your perspective is to walk away, leave it alone, and not think about it, until the answer pops into your brain.

We can admit that, yet we still worry. (I usually pick at my split ends while I do it.) Why? Why is it such a compulsion?

Because worrying feels good. It lets us sit and gnaw over a certain set of thoughts and assumptions about a problem, over and over and over. The more familiar those thoughts and assumptions become, the more comfortable they feel. They feel as comfortable as a nice muddy rut to wallow in. They feel easy on the brain, even if your neck and shoulders are as tense as guitar strings while you do it; and that’s why it’s hard to break the habit.

What can you do instead? What can you do to distract yourself? Well, most of the smackdowns we write are methods of useful distraction, but hey, write down a list of your own. What are activities that really take up your full attention? They can be anything from coloring with crayons to cleaning through your closets to checking your email; but a good list posted in a noticeable place can help you break the worry habit.

An odd way to listen to your gut

I was sitting around this morning, and my mind wandered off. I started thinking about a friend of mine and where he’s at in his life, and I kept thinking at him, “You’re reverting.”

Then I blinked and realized that I was sitting there indulging in my very old habit of picking at my split ends, avoiding printing out my submission to a writing contest, and in fact, not writing this blog post. I was reverting.

I’ve been watching this process for years. Over and over, when I catch myself sort of scripting conversations with people in my head, more often than not I can find something in the conversation that I’m trying to say to myself.

I automatically leaped to the conclusion that when I’m judging others my Inner Critic is trying to judge me, because that makes sense, right? Except that’s not what’s happening. Yes, it feels incredibly good to stop judging other people, and the blink is valuable just for that. But for some reason, my gut also uses those false conversations to get through to me. And my gut isn’t judging me, just adjusting me, to put me back on the path I choose instead of my default.

I don’t understand why this mercurial messaging system works the way it does, but it has so many times, I’ve learned to really inspect what I’m thinking about other people. Watch your thoughts for a while and see if it works the same way for you.

Why do we worry?

Most of us are willing to admit that worrying doesn’t really help. Actual problem-solving almost always requires you to change your perspective on the problem, and the best way to change your perspective is to walk away, leave it alone, and not think about it, until the answer pops into your brain.

We can admit that, yet we still worry. (I usually pick at my split ends while I do it.) Why? Why is it such a compulsion?

Because worrying feels good. It lets us sit and gnaw over a certain set of thoughts and assumptions about a problem, over and over and over. The more familiar those thoughts and assumptions become, the more comfortable they feel. They feel as comfortable as a nice muddy rut to wallow in. They feel easy on the brain, even if your neck and shoulders are as tense as guitar strings while you do it; and that’s why it’s hard to break the habit.

What can you do instead? What can you do to distract yourself? Well, most of the smackdowns we write are methods of useful distraction, but hey, write down a list of your own. What are activities that really take up your full attention? They can be anything from coloring with crayons to cleaning through your closets to checking your email; but a good list posted in a noticeable place can help you break the worry habit.

Give up on having the perfect body.

So you’re setting goals for yourself and –

“I know what your ultimate goal is!” says the Inner Critic. “You want to have the perfect body!”

Listen, if that’s your goal, give up now. But give up for the right reason. You’re not giving up because having the perfect body is impossible. You’re giving up because the perfect body does not guarantee a perfect life.

“No!” the Inner Ugly whines. “Beautiful people have it made! They get everything they want!”

If you’re beautiful, then you’re happy all the time: it’s one of the oldest advertising pitches in the world.

The truth is, if you’re used to seeing what’s wrong with you, you will keep looking for what’s wrong with you, no matter what. If you’re in the habit of worrying, you’ll keep worrying. If you’re in the habit of hating your life, you will keep on hating your life.

So give up. Announce it to the world: I am not going to have a perfect body! Now wipe some imaginary sweat from your brow and blow a big old raspberry at your stupid Inner Critic.

Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.