Time Out for the Inner Critic

Hi y’all, Clare here –

Jacque and I have been talking and we figured out that we need a bit of a hiatus from trackin’ the Inner Critic’s every move. Other writing projects are beckoning, or waving madly, or beating us over the head (in a good way), and I know you know how hard it is to balance out a schedule.

So we’re going to take a break from the blog for a while. In my ideal world, we’d have a random S.M.A.C.K. generator for you – Click and Smack! – but we just don’t have the tech savvy, yet. But of course, all our blog posts will stay right here where you need ‘em.

You can also still email us at clareandjacque@gmail.com with questions and comments and suggestions for new S.M.A.C.K.s; we’d love to hear from you.

Peace, and props for fighting the good fight –

Jacque and Clare

Pointing Fingers

I am so, so, so sick of playing the blame game. I’m even sick of blaming the Inner Critic. Recently I figured out, with some help of course, that I’ve been blaming an entire area of my body, treating it like it’s part of A Problem instead of part of my body. That’s like blaming the Mississippi for the mess in New Orleans. But the river didn’t cause Hurricane Katrina, it was just reacting…

In a healthy ecology, cursing the weather is a waste of time, and distracts you from doing what you can. I think from now on, every time I’m tempted to blame, I’m going to ask for help instead.

You are not omniscient.

And thank god for that.

Because that allows you to say “I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

Try it, say it out loud. “I have no idea what’s going to happen.”

The Inner Critic specializes in telling you every possible, terrible thing that could go wrong, in detail. But it doesn’t really know, because you don’t know. The world is far too complex for anyone to be able to predict the future; even the next five minutes are up in the air. You are probably scared of not having control, but you will feel a lot better admitting the truth.

Whose responsibility is it?

This morning I put a stack of things on the staircase that needed to be brought upstairs. Towels for the kids’ bathroom. Two books belonging to two different children. A hat belonging to a third. A sweatshirt and socks left downstairs by the fourth. I watched every single person in my family walk by that pile without picking up their own things or volunteering to help carry up someone else’s belongings. So exactly whose responsibility is it?

Are there things that you are stepping over or walking by that really belong to you but you’re expecting someone else to pick them up for you? How can you claim responsibility for your own stuff? Would you consider helping someone else with theirs?

Personal Inventory

Anybody with an Inner Critic probably takes stock of themselves fairly often, in fact, obsessively. You’re constantly updating a checklist about yourself: what needs changing, what could you be doing better, and how?

The introspection is helpful; the obsessiveness is not.

Next time you check in with the checklist, remember this: Anything you don’t know how to do already, you can learn.

The question is, would you like to?

When you’re being completely honest, have you held back from expanding in that direction because you’re scared, or do you really just not give a crap?

Open up and say AHHHHHH.

Seriously. All day today, open that big ol’ mouth and say AHHHHHHHH. Sigh it. Yell it. Breathe it. Whisper it. Shout it.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Green means go.

When you know you want to create change in your life, how do you quit talking about it and move into action? Instead of constantly not doing what you say you want to do and feeling ashamed about it, how do you press “Go!” This question is very near and dear to me right now because my daughter is now 8 months old and I have been talking about losing the extra 15 pounds I’m carrying around for almost that entire time. My husband has also gained an extra 15 pounds. He says he did it to make me feel better – What a guy!

Last night we were talking about how we need to get back into the healthy lifestyle we used to live that included eating more in line with Mark Hyman’s Ultrametabolism plan that I originally learned from Dr. Hyman at the Canyon Ranch in Lenox, Massachusetts and that he has gone on to document in his bestselling books. Our old lifestyle included exercise every day, yoga three times a week, and weight lifting with a trainer.

Now, it is challenging for me to get my butt off the couch to walk downstairs to fire up the treadmill even with my Inner Critic beating me to a pulp. Why? Because I have not turned on the green light yet. My husband maintains that as soon as he “gets back into it” he’ll easily take the weight off. But how do you “get back into it?” And if you’ve never lived a healthy lifestyle, how do you start it in the first place?

When I needed to lose 100 pounds, I pushed the green light with revenge as my motivation. Now I don’t think revenge is the best way to motivate yourself, but hey, it worked. I wanted to walk into a room of people I used to know with a new body and laugh as they tried to be my friend. It was a powerful way to stay focused, even though it had a negative cast.

But now? I don’t want to get back at anyone for hurting my feelings. I gained those 15 pounds while growing my baby girl. So, dear readers, I need your help!! What do you do to push “Go!”?

Visualize Your Ideal Relationship

The Inner Critic is a cyclical beast–when one S.M.A.C.K. isn’t working, chances are an old S.M.A.C.K. from months ago will work just fine. So over the next week or so we’re going to run some of your favorite S.M.A.C.K. blog posts, the ones with the greatest hits and the most comments. Enjoy!

 

Visualization, meditation, imagination, brainstorming, whatever you decide to call this, I hope you’ll try it. If your Inner Critic tells you this kind of thing never works, kick it to the curb for the time being. Below you’ll find a guided meditation you can read to help you create the relationship you desire whether you are currently in a partnership or not. You can read it yourself, ask your spouse to read it to you, or tape yourself reading it out loud. I do have this recorded to music and will post the podcast soon. But in the meantime, basically what I’m asking you to do is close your eyes and imagine what you want. Then you’ll open our eyes and write down ways you can actually get to the vision you saw in your mind’s eye.

Visualization is a technique that’s been written about many times. Napoleon Hill wrote about it in his bookThink and Grow Rich, which was first published in the early 1900s. Shakti Gawain made it popular in her bookCreative Visualization in the 1970s, still a bestseller today. And the latest version of this technique is written about by Rhonda Byrne in her book, The Secret. Basically, it’s simple. You close your eyes and think about what you desire then you plan how you’re going to get what you want. (Note: If you’ve come to this blog via myBecoming a Stepmom blog, this meditation is different than the one I posted there this week.)

Now, turn off your phones, your blackberries your computers. Shut the door. Grab a notebook and pen and set them somewhere nearby. Find a comfortable place to sit where you will not be disturbed. Make sure your arms and legs are not crossed. Close your eyes. Now breathe deeply into your belly. Take five deep breaths. Relax. Be here now in your body. Feel the floor or chair supporting you. Breathe.

At the top and bottom of each breath, pause for a moment and listen to the stillness, the silence between the ocean swells of your breathing.

Now let’s tap into your imagination. Picture yourself with your life partner. Imagine the two of you in a setting that fills you with joy. It could be your home, a park, on the beach by the ocean, at an intimate table in a romantic restaurant. Right now, in this moment, you understand completely why you’re with this person. Why he or she makes you so happy. You feel the symbiotic relationship you have. The perfect give and take. You are both light with happiness. You are both connected to each other. Love emanates between you. Take a moment, look at your beloved and feel. How does that person make you feel right now? When you’re relationship is at its most supportive, its most loving, its most stimulating. How does your body feel? What is in your heart?

Imagine your partner with a smile on his or her face. How does it make you feel?

There is a reason you chose this person. There is a reason this person chose you. Remember that. Connect with it. Be open to your emotions. Be open to love.

Be open to love.

Be open to love.

This person sitting next to or across from you is another soul who is walking now or will walk beside you during their lifetime. Your partner has his or her own needs, her own desires, his own path, her own soul to answer to. How wonderful! How awe inspiring that this person has chosen to trust. And you have chosen to trust this person.

Breathe.

Be open to love.

In your imagination, thank your beloved for his or her presence in your life. Thank this person for showing up. Thank him for the things he has experienced that have made him perfect for you. Thank her for being.

Be open to love.

Breathe.

When you’re ready, open your eyes and write down what you saw in your visioning session. Write down the things you love about your current partner or that you imagined about your future partner. Write down how you felt.

Part two of this visioning exercise is action. If you are in a partnership right now, spend the week complimenting each other. Pay attention to your spouse and when she does something you like, tell her. Be honest and open with your feelings. If he casually takes your hand in the grocery store and you absolutely love that, tell him. If you come home from work and she’s cleaned up the kitchen, thank her profusely. If he snuggles you before you go to sleep and it makes you feel yummy, warm and safe, tell him.

If you are not currently in a partnership, compliment yourself and your future mate out loud. You might try: “Thank you for waiting to meet me until you’re finished unpacking your emotional baggage!” “Wow, did you see how beautiful I arranged the table this evening? I rock.” It’s easy to forget when you’re waiting for your significant other to show up that he or she may be busy doing something right now that would make your partnership impossible until he or she has completed it. If you’re waiting, refer to the Flatlands post, and keep the faith.

Giving It Exactly the Respect It Deserves

Two things tend to happen when the Inner Critic has been lying low: either you keep being happy, or you start looking for it to invite back in. Or of course, the Inner Critic reappears, seemingly without your invitation at all.

Imagine dealing with a vampire who has stepped into your house. Either you can scream and try to run, so tense that you’re practically guaranteed to get caught; or you can keep doing whatever you were doing, maybe brushing your teeth, and casually wave some garlic at it.

In other words, if you find yourself dealing with the Inner Critic again, the more you treat it as a powerful threat, the more powerful it will be.

(The New York Times has an article about the imp of the perverse… and how the more you try not to think of something, the more you think of it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/health/07mind.html?th&emc=th)

Instead, greet the Inner Critic with “Oh, you again. Whatever.” and get on with your business. Don’t bother trying to shut it up; just don’t listen to it.