Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.

Procrastination or Self Sabotage?

Is there something that you’ve avoided doing for so long that the avoidance itself is a form of self-punishment? Just like those of us who fall into cycles of abuse in our relationships with other people, we can fall into the same kind of love/hate/fear/shame cycle with the Inner Critic. If you have put off a project that you really do at your core want to do ask yourself these hard questions: Have you become addicted to the drama of self-loathing? Have you asked other people to help you finish this project? Under what perfect conditions could you finish? How can you set up those conditions to help you succeed instead of fall back into the cycle yet again?

Robinson Crusoe

Escapist fantasies are in high demand these days. The next time you imagine disappearing into happy isolation from the crappy, Inner Critic-ridden world, take a closer look at your dreamscape. How much of the bliss is actually coming from the end of the story, the imagined reunion with the people you love, in a better time with everyone in a better mood?

Skip the isolation and make that world real now. Set up an event that changes their moods and their minds, as well as yours

For the weary of heart…

“If love were easy, life would be too simple.”

– Albert Camus

(Although I suspect the real wisdom is knowing when to let life be simple, and when to let it expand into all its complexities…)

Is creativity dangerous?

Are you afraid of what you feel put on this earth to do? Check out this talk by writer Elizabeth Gilbert the author of Eat, Pray, Love.

Know you deserve love.

It seems ridiculous that this phrase is a revelation: You are worthy of love. Well, duh, right? But somehow that knowledge gets confused on the way to adulthood, and we have to remind ourselves of its truth and learn how to believe it on a cellular level.

Try this smackdown on vacation. When the sun sets, sit in the sand with a glass of wine, look up at the vast expanse of stars while listening to the roar of the ocean, and think these thoughts: I deserve to be loved. I am open to love. When you return home, repeat that mantra every day.

If you can’t get to the ocean, then do this same exercise anywhere you can find a glimpse of the magnificent largesse of the universe: in your back yard, from the roof of your apartment building, or near a flowing stream in the woods.

Smackdown Success Story: Alysia Reiner

Alysia Reiner (www.alysiareiner.com) plays the recurring role of Cindy on The Starter Wife on USA. Her latest film is The Vicious Kind, produced by Neil LaBute, and she won a Screen Actors Guild Award for her role as Christine in Sideways. She is also expecting her first child with husband David Alan Basche.  

When did your Inner Critic first rear its ugly head?

Been there as long as I can remember.

What’s the worst part of having an Inner Critic, or what’s the worst thing it’s ever said to you?

That it never goes away – you just learn to deal with it.

What have you been able to achieve by smacking down your Inner Critic?  

Not just achieving goals but living a life with more joy and peace.

What’s your all-time favorite smackdown?

Thank you for sharing, now shut the f@%& up.  

What do you do when none of your smackdowns are working?   

Call and email friends to help me whip um into shape, put on great music & dance it away, go to kickboxing class

Over time, does it get easier to smackdown the Critic?

Absolutely – it’s a muscle, ya gotta work it.

What keeps you motivated?

I wanna live my dreams, be happy and at peace – the more I do the less the Critic talks.

Acting is one of the toughest careers you can have. How do you handle the Outer Critics?

Don’t read reviews while you are working on something. Period.

Are you scared of raising a kid? If so, how do you smackdown that fear?  

It’s a mix of educating myself, choosing what to use (i.e., choosing supportive, not fear-based, books, videos, classes), and listening to my intuition and heart more than ever.

What are your favorite sources of inspiration?

SO MANY! Nature, music, meditation, yoga, love, art, notes from the Universe, my friends & family, sex, laughter, being of service.

What advice would you give to someone who was stuck in fear and inaction?

Go do something! Get your ass out of bed or out of the house and:

Volunteer somewhere

Go to a museum

Make a list of goals, start with tiny ones

& take one action today – just one.

Recruit a friend to be action buddies

Anything else you’d like to add that I haven’t asked?

Action and Smackdown with faith/hope/belief in yourself are muscles – ya gotta work um. And sometimes they get sore when you first learn to use um or are getting stronger… Work through the pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. And damn it feels good to be strong, believe in yourself and live the life of your dreams!!

Tell campfire stories.

If you’re in a romantic relationship, tell each other your courtship stories on the anniversary of the day you met, the day you married, or the day you moved in together. Turn it into a ritual with a campfire, a candle, a special dinner, or a walk. And though I readily admit, I am a bit cheesy when it comes to love, there’s a research-based reason to do this.

Marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute in Seattle, Washington, found that a huge number of couples who ended up divorced recast their wedding day in a negative light. Instead of recalling all the tender moments of connection, they dredged up the fights that happened or the mistakes the caterer made or the rain that ruined their day.

Instead, purposefully build a romantic oral history together so you can remember those glorious early days and bring that feeling alive again ten, twenty, thirty years down the road. 

What romantic traditions have you and your partner developed? Share them here so the rest of us can benefit from your wisdom!

B.S. Spotters

I was driving around in Boston literally in circles with an old friend of mine, having a conversation I didn’t want to have because it was about my love life, which my Inner Critic likes to refer to as my “shriveled leg.” But my friend kept asking questions and eventually we got to this exchange:

Me: I’ve been working so hard at not being needy with him, you know, making sure I only see him when my intentions are pure –

J.: So he never gets to feel needed? He never gets to feel desired?

Ah, the smackdown. Nothing like the smell of your own b.s. I’ve been thinking and behaving like a victim and a love miser, and J. made me admit that.

Think about someone in your life whose advice you deeply trust. Have you been avoiding bringing up a certain topic with them, because deep down you know they’re going to challenge your most basic assumptions? Maybe it’s time to go there.

Unrequited Love

Ever been crazy about someone who has no interest in you? You’re smart enough to recognize a lost cause so you don’t try to force the romance, which is good for your sanity. But just being smart doesn’t always soothe your heart and help you feel better. I’ve been there way too many times… Sigh.

One of the worst parts about unrequited love is that the dude is so great you want him in your life in some capacity, especially as a friend… but you also feel rejected, so you want him the hell out of your life so you can heal.

I have to believe that friendship is possible. I’ve decided that it is. When I’ve spent time with an Unattainable Dude and then we part ways, it’s only the next 48 hours or so that are really rough. Luckily, I’ve got a sequence of smackdowns I use (repeatedly, in random order, as needed):

• Absolve the dude. It’s not his fault he’s not interested. It’s bad luck. So don’t blame him.
• Ask yourself, are you really in love? or are you just addicted? Those rough 48 hours bear an uncanny resemblance to kicking a habit. Thank god you have the opportunity to go through withdrawal, so that the times you do see him, you’re seeing him with your best self, and not out of neediness.
• Distract yourself. Once when I was super glum, Jacque encouraged me to imagine my future housewarming party instead of thinking about the guy, and asked me a bunch of fun questions about the party to get me started. Worked like a charm.
• Get a little angry. Why doesn’t he see how great you are?! Why would he be so wonderful to you as a friend and then disappear?! It’s not fair!!! That’s it, I’m gonna go look for someone else, someone who is capable of seeing and staying. (Again, you’re not blaming the dude! So you’re not going to get in touch with him and be angry at him. This is very private anger, for your benefit only.)
• Relax your ass. Literally. When your brain goes into the rejection spin, concentrate on your butt and make sure it’s unclenched. The sheer stupid silliness of this tactic will help you laugh at life in general, including the romantic mess.
• Remind yourself: Nothing has to happen. It’s true! Nothing ever has to happen, because something else always will. The river of your life never stops flowing, and this affair of the heart — this, too, shall pass, in one way or another.