It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself!
A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.
Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:
“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”
De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”
De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”
De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.
“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”
I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.
Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.
