Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Never stop growing.

My husband tells a story about his mother patting a hand firmly on the top of his head when he was little. “Stop growing!” she’d demand.

I wanted to express the same sentiment when my husband celebrated a mid-life milestone birthday last weekend. It’s one of those birthdays that make you contemplate your own mortality, all you’ve accomplished thus far, and all those things you have left to do. While he’s been thinking about his lost youth, we’ve had our first date nights since the birth of our daughter.

This is a total cliche, I realize, but our lives flew by over the course of the last year which was by turns wonderful and the most difficult ever. And while we focused on all of the external things that were happening to us, we let our marriage take care of itself for the time being. We figured we would come back to each other after the baby was older and her siblings had adjusted to a new little sister.

Now that we’ve settled into a new normal with this extra person added to our family of six–seven if you count the dog–my husband and I have done what feels like surfacing from deep under water. We can see and hear each other again. There are no longer just grunts hello as we pass the baby back and forth. The sleepless nights are fewer and the hormones have finally made their way out of my system. Our daughter will stay with grandparents without freaking out and so we can date again.

And the timing couldn’t be better. As my husband celebrates his mid-life birthday, I notice the ways in which he’s changed–the differences in his face, the number of gray hairs. I want to freeze this moment and try to remember every detail. “Stop growing!” I am tempted to say, but I don’t. Because with each passing birthday, we have spent another precious year together and I wouldn’t give that up for anything.

Extend yourself to others.

Invite someone to your house for dinner whom you’ve never invited before. Ask an acquaintance if they need help. Bring food to a neighbor. Instead of just saying, “We need to have coffee!” to a former work colleague every time you see them, pick up the phone and set a date.

How do you respond to bullies?

Do you have a bully in your life? I do. And I’m not talking about the Inner Critic, either, but a real live flesh and blood human being who insists on being top dog to the detriment of all other people. Know the type? Has to win. Doesn’t care what it takes. I hate this kind of person. Sadly, I can’t just banish this bully, I must learn how to deal or radically alter my life. I have chosen to learn how to deal.

Recently the bully in my life has popped up to challenge me yet again. My first response is a feeling of helplessness and powerlessness as though I was in high school again and C.R. was kicking the back of my chair over and over on purpose. My second response is to prepare for battle because one day I learned how to face down bullies. One day in French class when C.R. was kicking my chair and talking smack about me beneath his breath, I turned to him.

“Stop it. Stop kicking my chair, you jerk!” I said. C.R. looked stunned. He never kicked my chair again. He respected me so much for this moment of bravery that he asked me out on a date. Ha. Right. As if. I have used the technique many times since with bullies of all kinds. Turn to face them. Look them in the eye. Tell them, “No! I refuse to allow you to treat me like that!” It’s wonderful practice for the Inner Slayer, which is the brutal, vicious version of the Inner Critic that cuts you down for the fun of it.

So how do you respond to bullies? How can you take what you’ve learned from the real people in your life and use your skills to your advantage to kick some serious ass on your Inner Bad Guys?

What would happen if you fell apart?

A few days ago a friend asked me: What would happen if you fell apart? I mean, like one of those big dramatic, in-your-face, flowing tears, slamming doors, alienating my loved ones, I’m in crisis, do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-it-all-out kind of fall apart? Immediately my ever-faithful Inner Critic responded:

“No, no, no, no! You can’t fall apart! What would happen to everyone else? They’re counting on you! They might be hurt because of something you didn’t do! You would be to blame for ruining their lives! Everything would come crumbling down! YOU MUST NOT LOSE YOUR SHIT. Or if you do lose it a little bit, you must do it QUIETLY in the DARK when you’re all ALONE!!! You got that?!!!”

It wasn’t until much later, in the middle of the night, when a quiet little voice was able to whisper: “But what about me?”

Someday if I get brave enough I’m going to fall apart on a grand scale. For now I’m going to start asking myself questions. What would happen if I fell apart? Would I lose some friends? Maybe. Would I piss off my family? Possibly. Would I f-bomb up my marriage? Not likely. Would I burn some bridges? I might. Would everything be okay in the end? Absolutely.

Who validates you and who do you validate?

Keep your friends close.

Bad relationships really are bad for you.

It turns out my Dad was right. He will be very pleased to hear this. When I was a kid he always used to say, “You are who your friends are.” And ”I just want you to date boys who treat you well.” There’s a reason he said this: I used to surround myself with people who weren’t all that nice to me because I didn’t hold myself in high enough esteem to attract the generous, kind, loving people. My Inner Critic recruited people to do its dirty work of keeping me down. I had a turnaround after losing weight. I learned how to value myself and hold the people around me to higher standards of kindness. It turns out that I may have saved myself! 

A recent study by Dr. Roberto De Vogli (University College, London, UK) and colleagues indicates that bad relationships increase the risk of coronary heart disease by 34%. The study  was published in the October 8, 2007 issue of the Archives of Internal Medicine.

Consider these quotes from an article in Heartwire:

“We think the quality of social relationships can be a very important factor for health and well-being,” epidemiologist De Vogli told heartwire. “There is a growing body of literature that shows that being exposed to negative relationships that increase worry, anxiety, and feelings of low self-esteem can in the long term produce emotional effects that may trigger biological changes in the body.”

De Vogli said poor marital quality has previously been reported as an important prognostic factor for MI, heart failure, and metabolic syndrome and that women seem to be more affected by the negative aspects of a close relationship than men. “Our findings expand and corroborate previous research . . . by showing that negative interactions in close relationships are determinants of coronary events.”

De Vogli et al go on to suggest that negative close relationships may be more powerful predictors of health than other aspects of social support because previous research indicates that “individuals tend to mentally replay negative encounters more than they replay positive ones.”

De Vogli told heartwire that he believes emotional effects could trigger changes in the neuroendocrine, inflammatory, and immunomodulatory systems. And although pharmacological approaches “may cure the symptoms, they are just responding to the crisis and not tackling the root causes,” he said. Increasing pressures in society, evidenced by the stresses seen in children these days, also contribute to negative aspects of relationships.

“People just need to be nicer to each other,” he says. “It seems so simple, but it’s basically a truism.”

I wrote an article for Experience Life Magazine in 2005 called Civil Unions in which I wrote about how we need to be kinder to our romantic partners. But this new research goes even further. We need to populate our social circles with people who are nice to us. And of course, we need to be worthy friends and lovers in return.

Today’s smackdown: Say or do something kind for your friends or partner. It’s good for you.

Pointing fingers.

When I advise stepmothers in my book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom and on my Becoming a Stepmom blog, it’s easy for me to tell them to take responsibility for themselves. I suggest that they need to stand up and be honest about their feelings, even the negative ones. But taking responsibility isn’t always easy, especially when there is fear involved. It’s really easy to blame someone else when you’re fearful or in emotional pain or angry.

Saturday morning my ability to stand up and take responsibility was tested. I get up early in the morning so I have time to myself before my baby, husband, and stepkids are up. The baby was cranky that night and so I had brought her into our bed at 4 a.m. to calm her down. When I got up at 5 a.m. I saw Eva’s daddy grab her and snuggle with her. I made a little barricade of pillows on my side of the bed.

An hour later I heard a sound that parents dread. A loud thump followed by my baby’s shrieks. I bolted up the stairs and found my husband crouched on the floor beside the bed cradling a screaming Eva in his arms. My Inner Beast roared, “What did you do?!!!” My first thought was to blame my husband. I wanted to snatch Eva out of his arms because it was his fault, all his fault. Nevermind that I hadn’t put the guard rail up on my side of the bed where she’d fallen. Nevermind the fact that I know she’s a strong roller and was probably looking for her mommy.

As it turns out, my husband’s first response was to think the same thing about me, “This is your fault!” Turns out he wasn’t awake as I had thought. He had grabbed her in his sleep and didn’t even remember me leaving the room.

Afterward, once we knew she was okay and hadn’t broken a bone or landed on her head, we discussed our reactions. We both pointed fingers at the other person in the heat of the moment, but after we calmed down and could think rationally about the incident, we admitted that both of us were at fault and would need to be more vigilent now that Eva is increasingly mobile. We each took responsibility for our part.

Instead of pointing fingers at each other, we need to work as a partnership so we can both be on the lookout so accidents like this one don’t happen again. Instead of blaming, we need to watch each other’s backs since both of us are sleep-deprived and not operating on all cylinders. It was a big lesson for us.

So how about you? In what relationships do you point fingers instead of stepping up and taking responsibility? In your marriage? At work? With a friend? Can you figure out a way to accept your part in creating the situation you’re in and use the knowledge to make it better?

Unyielding Hope

“Change has come to America.” Regardless of your political views, Obama gave a masterful victory speech. He said many powerful statements, but I’d like to bring up one that in my mind applies particularly well to family life. When Obama said our ”unyielding hope,” is part of the true genius of our country, I thought of the many couples who are out there struggling every day to create a home that feels good to be in. I thought of the high divorce rate, the falling marriage rate, the number of couples breaking up because the economy has highlighted tensions. I thought of all the people returning to relationships after being hurt because of that same sense of hope. We hope we can create a family life in which conflict is not a way of life, but a rare occurance.  We hope that love, respect, and healing will overcome the differences between family members who don’t share blood, who are lost in rebellion or depression or addiction.

But as Obama said last night, “We are one people.” If you have a high-conflict home life, can you readjust your thinking so that you can unite your family just as Obama wants to do with our country? What holds back your progress as a happy, healthy couple? Can you create a bond with your partner that is so strong you can withstand any challenge that comes your way?

How? How will you do these things? How will you turn your unyielding hope to action? To a way of life? How will you create a partnership that is everything you hoped for and more?