Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark Teacher

Teachers come in many forms and not all of them are the kind, wise old man or woman who opens up a whole new world of miracles to you. Sometimes the universe sends you the dark teacher. The one who comes at you aggressively or condescendingly or critically. While you’re in the middle of facing a dark teacher, it’s next to impossible to realize that you’re actually receiving a gift, but often these people make our best teachers. He or she is there to test you. Do you really want what you say you want? Just how much are you willing to endure? How hard are you willing to practice? Can you develop a coat of armor so strong that you continue to work for what you want even when the dark teachers show up?

The dark teacher appears in many forms: an actual teacher, a lover, a boss. What dark teachers have you had? What have they taught you?

When it’s time to let self-protection go.

I’ve worked lately on rooting out some belief systems I developed as a child. One of the ideas I took on as a youngster was that I had a “spine of steel” and could live through anything. It served me extremely well in challenging times of my life and I became very proud of my strong steel spine.

Perhaps it won’t come as a shock to the bodyworkers reading this that I have had chronic back pain for a decade. I have seen physical therapists, chiropractors, and personal trainers. I’ve done yoga, had electric shock therapy, and balanced on a ball while I work at my desk–all in an effort to reduce the pain.

Recently I’ve been working with a man who has come at my back pain from the front by working my soaz muscles. At the same time I’ve meditated on this idea of the steel spine. Perhaps having such a heavy form of self-protection weighing me down isn’t the best thing after all.

And guess what? The back pain is going away. For those of you who have chronic pain of any kind I know you’ll understand what a freaking miracle this feels like. It brings tears to my eyes right now to notice that I’m sitting at my desk and my back doesn’t hurt at all.

So my question for you is this: When you were a child, what mechanisms of self-protection did you develop? Do you still need them now or is it time to release them?

Do for yourself what you’d do for others.

Last week I stood up for my three stepchildren fiercely and quickly. A librarian at our local library refused to let me help them get library cards because I am their stepmother and not a legal guardian. She told me this was a library policy in front of all the children. When I  emailed an irate letter to the head of the entire county library system, the director, a stepparent himself, responded with an apology and an outline of the action the library would take. The registration documents for library cards will be reprinted to include stepparent on the parent/guardian line and the library staff will be trained in how to deal with blended families. This experience led to a discussion with my stepchildren about how they didn’t have to be embarrassed to be part of a stepfamily.

The entire experience reminded me of dealing with my own inner critic. Often I am silent in my own defense when my inner critic makes me feel stupid for wanting to go after my dreams of writing fiction full-time. But when my stepchildren were threatened I became a fierce warrior. The next time I hear my inner critic try to make me feel like a loser I’m going to become a warrior and stand up for myself.

Expect trouble from expectations.

The Inner Critic loves it when you have an idea in your head about how something is “supposed” to be because than it can jump all over you when the reality is different than what you thought it would be. Two friends recently shared that when they were pregnant they thought becoming a mother would be this wonderful experience. They assumed they would know what to do instinctively and instantly. But when they held their newborns in their arms, both of them felt panic. Then they felt guilt that they didn’t measure up to what they thought a new mother was supposed to be. Then they felt depressed and scared that they were not normal and weren’t cut out to be mothers. It wasn’t until they let go of their Hollywood inspired, made-up, unrealistic notions about motherhood that they could allow themselves to become the mothers they were meant to be.

Any time you expect life to look more like a movie–complete with makeup artists, stylists, air-brushing, and perfect lighting–than the messy, gritty, lovely reality it is, you’re in for trouble. Call off the Inner Critic by thanking your lucky stars that your face gets all red when you cry, you jump to conclusions sometimes, you have meltdowns, fights, and make-ups. That’s where the real juice is.

Rely on the collective wisdom of your elders.

If you have a question about how to do something, do you research it on the web? Read a book about it? Ask your friends? Keep silent and try to wing it? I’ve been interviewing a lot of new mothers lately and I am astounded by the number of women who do not ask their own moms for advice about how to care for an infant. Instead they rely on doctors, WebMD, BabyCenter, What to Expect, and online forums.

When I ask them why they didn’t go to their moms, many reply that too much has changed and their mother simply wouldn’t know the answer. Or they say they don’t want their moms in their business, telling them what to do. What a shame. We are losing out on the collective wisdom of our female elders and the result is that a majority of the new moms I’ve talked to feel isolated, depressed, and scared. The Inner Critic is strong in mothers. Women are afraid of what they don’t know and how they might harm their baby with their inexperience.

The next time you find yourself in a situation in which a little advice would be helpful, ask your elders.

Lost in the chaos.

When I’m in the middle of doing a project I love but am also terrified of, I find myself returning to old habits and patterns to distract myself. Instead of working on my novel I will do a search on the Internet for something that is really “important ” and lose myself in the chaos of information available online. I did this last week to avoid writing and as I went to save a document with all the new research I’d found, I realized that I had already done that very search six months ago during a different avoidance session. As soon as I saw what I’d done, I returned to the novel and wrote another 1,000 words for the day. If you’re lost in the chaos, how can you simplify? How can you return to your project and simply continue to move forward one step at a time instead of distracting yourself with meaningless tasks?

Will you or won’t you?

If you say you want something but find yourself avoiding the very thing you say you want, do you know why? Once you choose to say yes to moving your fantasy into reality, will you or won’t you do what it takes to create it?

Polish your rusty skills.

As I’ve grown into an adult I have left behind things that I used to love to do. My time spinning tunes over the air as a college DJ was replaced with graduate school. Singing lessons were replaced with a job. But I’ve missed those creative outlets.

I recently started my own podcast radio show for stepmoms over at www.becomingastepmom.comand when I finished producing the first show, complete with music and an interview with an author, I was grinning ear-to-ear. Why? It’s still work, after all. But it didn’t feel like work. It felt fun. It felt creative. And best of all, it was a project that I didn’t have to rely on anyone else to complete. When I was happy with the end product, I simply pushed publish and it was done!

When I had finished it, I called one of my dear friends and told her all about it. “You sound so excited!” she said. And I am. I feel rejuvenated. I feel in touch with a more youthful part of myself. It has taken my mind off of the weight of responsibility that comes with having a family of six to support. And it’s helped me to think more creatively about other parts of my life that I’d like to reconfigure.

Steal a moment today to write down the things you used to love to do. Is there a way you can incorporate them into your life now?

Find your authentic self.

What if you want to do something that goes against the training you’ve received from society about what is “cool” or “literary” or “responsible”? Can you turn your back on the Inner Critic when its voice sounds like your teacher, your father or your best friend? Can you continue to shed layers to become your authentic self even if you think it makes you a little bit selfish or cheesy or irresponsible?

Experience other people’s vision.

This is another S.M.A.C.K. on the theme of interpretation. I stumbled across Dido’s website for her latest album Safe Trip Home. And to accompany the release of the music, she commissioned film directors from all over the world to make short films based on her songs. You can see the finished films here. What I love about this is that Dido gave her music to eleven other artists who then translated her vision into their own experience. There are many ways to use this idea to quiet the Inner Critic when it tries to keep you down.

• When you are in need of a new perspective to jolt you out of a funk, fill your senses with other people’s work–films, novels, essays, music, visual or performance art.
• If you’re at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go, poll your friends, family, and coworkers to find out what they think you should do. See if any of their ideas excite you.
• If you’re lost, talk to a friend who has been through what you’re experiencing. She might have insights that can make your life easier.