What you see is what you get.

30 03 2009

Visualizing and manifesting work for a lot of people, but they always seem to backfire for me, so this is not a post about that. It’s about the power of deciding. I’m especially learning this smackdown through dating, but I think it applies to much of life.

“There are other fish in the sea” can be one of the most irritating attempts at comfort ever. Until you accept that it’s actually true. I think my Inner Critic loves it when I resist that wisdom because it means that I get to fall into obsessive, gripping behavior, which is the Inner Critic’s favorite M.O.

Accepting that there is way more than one fabulous guy out there leads me to be soft and flexible and wiggly and playful. And over and over again, every time I decide that yes, there are other fish out there… I start to see them. Literally see them all as I move through my day. It’s kind of like a genie blinking and the wish coming true. There are so many, they all look and behave so differently; it’s luxury! It’s playtime!

Try this with career opportunities, with fun things to do, with new ways to relate to the people around you, with ways to newly appreciate and enjoy your routines, with ways to save money that don’t feel constricting… whatever you’re feeling poor about.

Just decide the opportunities are out there, recognize that they might look slightly different than you thought they would, and head out to see them! Suddenly you’ll find that your real problem is not that you don’t have options, but that you aren’t sure how to narrow them down… :)





Transform your inner people-pleaser: for parents.

6 02 2009

I am a big, bleeding, beating heart right now. Whoever said having a child was like cutting off a piece of your own heart and seeing it walk around outside you, nailed it. My mother always told me that someday I would know the worry a mother feels for her children. And she was so right. I found out yesterday that my daughter has to have surgery and since then I have alternated between total panic and mind-numbing fear. I know that we need to have the operation but at the same time I want to refuse it to protect her. My Inner Critic is beating me from two sides:

“This is for her own good! You must do this! She will be better off for it!”

Vs.

“But what if something happens? She’s too young! What if she doesn’t wake up from the surgery?”

This morning there was a letter from a reader in my inbox looking for a smackdown:

“I cuddle my 6 year old to no end. Easier to give in than listen to the whining and demands. Like a robot I obey his commands. I do not want him to be a momma’s boy who doesn’t do things for himself.”

When I was little I used to get strep throat all the time. Each visit, the doctor would try to shove that wooden tongue depressor into my mouth and I would gag and pull his arm away so he was unable to get a throat culture. I was a strong child. Instead of just getting it over with, by grabbing the doctor’s hands, I prolonged my torture. My mom stood by trying to calm me while I cried, but refusing to let me just get off the table and go home without a verdict. Then one day my mother said she would buy me a hamster if I allowed the doctor to get the sample he needed in one try. I really wanted a hamster. So I sat on my hands and squeezed my eyes shut. And by god, I did it! From that day on, I was able to have my throat checked in one try.

Dear reader, my smackdown for you is this: You are absolutely right that you are doing your son a disservice by giving in to his whining. I believe our job as parents is to teach our children. And by not teaching him boundaries, you are still teaching him. It’s hard to watch your child cry. It’s even harder to be the one who disappoints him or becomes the object of his anger.

So here’s my advice: Sit on your hands. And give yourself a reward for doing it.

You can be damn sure that after my daughter has recovered and I have successfully sat on my hands to keep from plucking her off the operating table, I am going straight to Legacy Chocolates for an 85% classic truffle. Maybe even two.





“Ignore it and it will go away” may come back to haunt you.

31 01 2009

Hey, how’s your old bodinsky doing? Your nearest and dearest, your own flesh and blood, in the most basic sense of those words? Any weird health things show up lately? Odd symptoms? Maybe an old problem you’ve successfully ignored just stood up and demanded attention again?

In times of high stress, we tend to take a pretty tough approach to our bodies. We’ve got way more important things to worry about, so we simply expect our bodies to be there and do what we want them to do. And in a way, our bodies will simply be there for us, because we can’t walk out of them like a house.

This approach leads to things like the phenomenon I witnessed in virtually every person I knew who went to grad school: they all got sick. Really sick. As in, everything from lupus to near hospitalization for respiratory disease. Not only do grad students cut back on basic body care, they heap more and more stress on their weakened conditions – only they forget that it’s physical stress because it feels so mental and emotional.

All of us are facing a highly unusual, probably tough, year. Don’t grit your teeth and stiffen your jaw and assume your body will soldier through. Get the health insurance, whichever way you can. Take stock of what feels bad and where and when. Don’t over-surf the web and turn yourself into a hypochondriac, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that a chronic condition is normal just because it’s there all the time. Get your checkups, all of them. And if you know there’s a problem, but a doctor seems dismissive or defeated, get the second opinion, and third and fourth, until you feel confident that you’re on the right track.

This may be a hassle now, but it could be a crisis later. Smack it down while it’s small.





Who does fear turn you into?

28 12 2008

When you are afraid, who do you become? How does your personality change? Do you become stingy or generous, closed or open, pessimistic or hopeful? 

Are you conscious of your behavior when you’re fearful? Do you have a panic attack and lash out at the people who love you? Do you turn into a black hole that sucks your personality inward until you are not interacting with the world at all? Do you ignore your fears and allow the negative emotions to come out in other ways? When other people talk about their fears to you, have you lost your sense of generosity? Do your eyes glaze over because you immediately think of your own life instead of being present for the person in front of you? Does fear make you intolerant of other people because you are so intent on solving a problem? Do you get so lost in an emotional reaction that you are overwhelmed? Can you talk about your fear out loud? Or is what you fear all you talk about? 

If you know how you react to fear then you can begin to be conscious about how you choose to behave instead of letting the panic dictate your life. After you consider who fear turns you into now, ask yourself who you want to be when you’re afraid.





Give your guard a break.

13 12 2008

I can’t believe we haven’t blogged about this one yet; it’s one of the most basic smackdowns and also one of the hardest to master…

I was sitting in Cleo’s, a jazz club, this morning (very early this morning) and Phil, sitting next to me, asked “What are you, 16?” I gave him a look like “don’t shovel me any horse hockey, buddy” and told him I’m twice that. He meekly confessed it was just his little attempt at a compliment.

People, set yourselves up for a compliment today. Wear or do whatever it takes.

And when the compliment comes, for Pete’s sake (and Phil’s), accept it. Say thank you as graciously as you possibly can, and if it feels too hard, pretend you’re royal and on camera.





Dating Smackdown 101

26 11 2008

I have to laugh. Somehow it took me this long to learn one of the most fundamental dating Smackdowns ever.

Step One: Assume he digs you.

That’s it.

But in my entire dating history, I’ve done the opposite: I’ve always assumed the dude, whichever dude it was, did not already dig me. I assumed I had to woo him, earn his interest and attention, do more, be more, Do My Best, Be My Best, and win him over.

Um, hi? It’s not that fun to hang out with someone who’s working so hard to impress you?

No wonder they all seemed to lose interest fast. I was starting with the wrong assumption, and the Inner Critic was always eager to chime in and confirm my low self-confidence.

Speaking of which… the Inner Critic would like to point out that this new approach sounds pretty darn arrogant, verging on hubris. Who the hell am I to assume anybody digs me?

Smackdown! The important part of this process, Inner Critic, is the fact that I behave differently towards someone who I think likes me, compared to someone who I think could take or leave me. And because I’m behaving differently, he’s going to behave differently.

Also, oh Inner Critic, go read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell.

Single ladies out there, I invite you to start daydreaming. Begin with the assumption that he digs you… And go from there!!

(Thanks Elin, for teaching me this!)





Make your life your performance.

16 11 2008

Watch this performance by storyteller and poet Rives for TED. Rives is also the co-host with model Bar Refaeli of Bravo TV’s Ironic Iconic America, which launched last month.

Now go write your own poem or story or paragraph about your life and recite it out loud alone in your room or for your friends or record it and post it on YouTube. Then think about how your day-to-day life is like performance art. Only you’re on stage and in the audience. Today, are you performing a drama, tragedy, comedy, romantic comedy or all of the above? Will you cry, boo, heckle or laugh at yourself?





Smackdown Success Story: Alysia Reiner

3 11 2008

Alysia Reiner (www.alysiareiner.com) plays the recurring role of Cindy on The Starter Wife on USA. Her latest film is The Vicious Kind, produced by Neil LaBute, and she won a Screen Actors Guild Award for her role as Christine in Sideways. She is also expecting her first child with husband David Alan Basche.  

When did your Inner Critic first rear its ugly head?

Been there as long as I can remember.

What’s the worst part of having an Inner Critic, or what’s the worst thing it’s ever said to you?

That it never goes away – you just learn to deal with it.

What have you been able to achieve by smacking down your Inner Critic?  

Not just achieving goals but living a life with more joy and peace.

What’s your all-time favorite smackdown?

Thank you for sharing, now shut the f@%& up.  

What do you do when none of your smackdowns are working?   

Call and email friends to help me whip um into shape, put on great music & dance it away, go to kickboxing class

Over time, does it get easier to smackdown the Critic?

Absolutely – it’s a muscle, ya gotta work it.

What keeps you motivated?

I wanna live my dreams, be happy and at peace – the more I do the less the Critic talks.

Acting is one of the toughest careers you can have. How do you handle the Outer Critics?

Don’t read reviews while you are working on something. Period.

Are you scared of raising a kid? If so, how do you smackdown that fear?  

It’s a mix of educating myself, choosing what to use (i.e., choosing supportive, not fear-based, books, videos, classes), and listening to my intuition and heart more than ever.

What are your favorite sources of inspiration?

SO MANY! Nature, music, meditation, yoga, love, art, notes from the Universe, my friends & family, sex, laughter, being of service.

What advice would you give to someone who was stuck in fear and inaction?

Go do something! Get your ass out of bed or out of the house and:

Volunteer somewhere

Go to a museum

Make a list of goals, start with tiny ones

& take one action today – just one.

Recruit a friend to be action buddies

Anything else you’d like to add that I haven’t asked?

Action and Smackdown with faith/hope/belief in yourself are muscles – ya gotta work um. And sometimes they get sore when you first learn to use um or are getting stronger… Work through the pain. Pain is weakness leaving the body. And damn it feels good to be strong, believe in yourself and live the life of your dreams!!





Smackdown Success Story: Maria Schneider

28 10 2008

Maria Schneider is the former editor of Writer’s Digest magazine. She recently left her job and started a new website for writers: http://editorunleashed.com. We talked with Maria to find out how she smacked down her Inner Critic and went after her dreams.

First, do you have an active Inner Critic?

Yes, I have a very pesky Inner Critic. I’m an editor after all.

I think every writer needs an Inner Critic; it’s necessary because you have to edit your work to make it publishable. It’s a detriment to be unable to take a critical eye to your own writing.

That said, it’s important to make sure your Inner Critic is in her place-and when you’re writing, that place is the time-out room.

You recently decided to leave your job as editor of Writer’s Digest in a time of economic turmoil. How did you overcome your fears of making the leap?

It might seem like an impetuous move, but I trust my instincts and my instincts were screaming at me: it’s time to move on. There was a corporate restructuring, and it became clear to me that I wasn’t going to be driving the editorial vision of the magazine any more; that it was going to become more of a marketing vehicle. That’s a corporate decision that I understand; these are tough times for publishers. But it just wasn’t a place I wanted to be any longer. In publishing, you have to align yourself with people who share your vision; otherwise, it just doesn’t work. I’m taking on freelance writing and editing jobs now to shore up my family’s finances, but yes, it is scary not to have the regular income a full-time job provides.

What are you doing now and what’s your vision for the site?

I realized the things I most loved about being the editor of Writer’s Digest-writing my blog, doing interviews, writing articles and interacting on our forum-I could do all of those things on my own by setting up my own website. As much as I love print, I think I really thrive in an online environment; I like the conversation.

My vision for the site is still emerging. I knew I wanted to start off with a blog and a writers’ forum and those are both up and running nicely just two weeks into it.

I want the site to grow into a community destination for both writers and readers. I think it’s really difficult for writers to get solid, trustworthy information online and I want to provide that for them.

I’m doing the majority of the writing for the blog now, but I will be bringing more voices into the mix through guest posts and interviews. The blog and forum will be filled with resources like creativity starters, essays and articles on writing and publishing, and critique forums for peer reviews. I’ll also be offering premium workshop forums in a few months for writers who want more intensive workshopping with an editor.

I would like to eventually start an online journal and publish some of the work that’s been workshopped on the forum. And I have a long-term dream of starting up my own little publishing house if I see the opportunity.

Right now, though, I’m focused on connecting with and growing my community of writers and readers. I believe that my business model will emerge from that. Being connected to this community of writers and readers will show me what they want and need.

What strategies did you use to calm your fears and take action?

It’s incredibly important-as a writer or anyone with creative aspirations-to seek out and align yourself with people who will support and nurture you, whether that’s an MFA program or a local workshop at your library, or an online forum like mine. A big part of the reason I started the forum, really, is that I like the conversation with other writers. I’ve seen first-hand how being involved in a good writing community can empower you. Sure, you need plenty of alone time as a writer or an artist, but the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself.

Over time, does it get easier to smackdown the Critic?

I think so. Actually, blogging has really been helpful for me in overcoming my Inner Critic. If you really commit to blogging, you need to post every day, and there’s nothing like writing every day to get you over your nagging Inner Critic. I don’t think you ever truly get over being self-critical, though. As I said, you need to be able to put a critical eye to your own work, but it’s best saved for the editing process.

What have you done to ensure that you don’t get paralyzed with inaction as you build your new life?

My creativity is really driving me at this point in my life. I almost feel as if there isn’t enough time in the day to put all of my ideas into fruition. I think that’s when you know you’re moving in the right path, you feel compelled to do something and the ideas for making it bigger and better just never seem to stop.

What do you do when none of your smackdowns are working?

Doing really mundane, routine tasks like folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, sweeping, for some reason those things really help me out when I’m creatively stuck. And the bonus, of course, is your house gets a bit cleaner.

What keeps you motivated?

My curiosity, my ideas, my sincere interest in other people, and my desire to provide an educational, inspiring and nurturing online home for writers.

What are your favorite sources of inspiration?

Music (roots, jazz and bluegrass), photographs, coffee (the taste, the smell, the caffeine!); interacting with other writers.   

What advice would you give someone who wanted to start their own venture?

It would be irresponsible of me to recommend leaving your job to start your own venture. But I know that I wouldn’t have gotten my own goals moving if I were still working full-time. Working that much just sucks up your creative energy.

If you have a book you want to write or some other venture you want to pursue, just start a dedicated notebook and write down the ideas when they come to you-a picture will start to emerge. After you have some solid ideas in place, take a week’s vacation from work to start implementing some of your plans.

I think if you find yourself drawn to working on that project every day, all day long for a week or more, that book or project is probably going to have legs for you. It has to be something you’re really drawn toward; something you’d do, at least for a little while, without pay. That being said, it’s important to generate ideas for how your project could become profitable for you in the future. You do have to give some thought to a business model, although I think it really needs to be your creativity and vision driving you.

What advice would you give to someone who was stuck in fear and inaction?

Keeping an idea notebook really has helped me. I’m always jotting down ideas. I think it should be really free form at first, just to start getting your ideas down, but you’ll find yourself being drawn more into the concrete details of a project as you keep brainstorming.

Is there some idea you’ve had at your workplace that you couldn’t push through because of corporate bureaucracy? Is there a book you’ve always wanted to read but couldn’t find in the bookstores? Write these things down in a notebook and start jotting down random thoughts that address that problem with a solution that you could build a book or business or platform around. Think big, but start small.





Day Job Vs. The Dream

2 10 2008

“By day I sell mobile phones. My dream is to spend my life doing what I feel I was born to do. I’ve always wanted to sing as a career. Confidence has always been a difficult thing for me. I always find it a little bit difficult to be completely confident in myself.” –Paul Potts